Creative Writing!

6 minutes of writing on the sunrise

The damp morning air was a welcome smell, replacing the dingy odor of the bathroom on the bottom floor. I much prefer fresh cut grass and dew to stale water in a multi-hued brown toilet bowl. The air was so good to my nostrils that it invigorated my whole being begging me to take a second look at life. As I turned my thoughts around I turned my shoulders as well to glance on the eastern horizon. It was Valentines day in the sky. Between the roof eves of the walkway and the fading creme of the brick wall was an arrow straight canvas of reds and pinks. Maybe my heart beat more alive because red is the color of love and pulsing blood or maybe the sun rising at such an hour that I should still be in bed gave me a reason to rise myself.

...and many more...

So it has been many days since the start of that crazy juice fast thing my family and I embarked upon. I wanted to write a recap blog after a bit to see how it had effected me but I also wanted to write a day 10 blog. All I have to say is...oops. I got a little busy with crazy family stuff and waiting on a couple babies to be born- still not here yet by the way. I can't be sure but on day 10 I think I drank some juice. Yeah probably did that. And then I am pretty darn sure that I ate a huge amount of food and felt very sick for a while. Then I drank some more juice. We (my friends and I) did a tropical mix- papaya, pineapple, mango, and kiwi- yum! We called it the contraction cocktail! (It didn't work) Also...Pineapple juice straight is amazing!

SO, why did I eat so much? Because it was there. And it was a party. And everyone else was eating. And there was so much good stuff. And I chose not to use self-control.

So how is it going many days later you ask (actually I don't care if you asked or not I am still gonna answer)? Well I would say good. Good even though I didn't juice today at all. I've gained a a few pounds back since I started eating again. I'm not upset about that. I expected that actually. The massive weight loss isn't really possible long term unless you juice long term and have lots of weight to lose. Plus a good majority of it is water weight- you drink, you pee- you drink, you pee. But it was a good jumpstart or detox from my fatty beach vacation.

The beauty of the juice cleanse isn't the weight loss-it is the shift in mindset. My family thinks about food a lot. We always have. I remember very vividly one day when one of my sisters and I were really bored and we laid on the floor in the dining room listing all the food we wanted to eat. We did that for like an hour straight. Gatherings are about the food. We think about food before bed. We think about what we are gonna eat after we work out. It's pretty much constant. Well, that hasn't changed. We still think about food all the time. But two things have changed- 1) we think about healthier food more and 2) we think about the choices we are going to make when it comes to eating. Yesterday we talked a lot about going to olive garden for dinner. I thought a lot about the ramifications of my actions and thought a lot about how I could just have a healthy option there. I chose to eat two plates of salad, two breadsticks and two bowls of pasta. If that sounds like a lot that is because it was. But I made that choice consciously. I thought about it. I was in control. Maybe it doesn't sound like it but I was. I didn't just sit there and mindlessly eat or accidentally stuff myself. And sadly stuffing myself on purpose is an improvement.

Okay here is some honesty for ya: I love me some excuses. The summer is very full of excuses. Once I got past the excitement of the 10 days and pushing myself to do something pretty crazy, I accepted a lot of excuses. And I guess I still kind of plan to. It is summer. There are parties and get-togethers and babies to bake cupcakes for and ice cream to eat while babysitting little kids. It's also why I sleep in and watch lots of smut tv. Its kind of fun. But to be honest I am really looking forward to school starting so that I can get back on schedule. It is my hope to juice one meal a day- probably breakfast. It is a great way to start the day. Tons of vitamins and all that! I will probably throw some Kale into the mix every now and then when I'm feeling a vegi-crave.

So bottom line- juice for health not for weight loss.

Think before you eat.

Juicing or eating healthy is expensive but much cheaper than hospital bills.

It's easier to do something if you just make up your mind to do it.

Self-control changes everything.

Support can move mountains.

Okay, I gotta go get some kids teeth brushed and say some more prayers to get that baby moving!

Days 8 and 9

Man, I really need to write each night so I can stop trying to recap two days.

My brother went home late night of day 7 so there has been a different vibe around the house. It's like trying to get back to normal life- like the adventure of the juicing has worn off. Now it's like a chore and hard work to fit in with what else we have going on. Day 8 We only got two juices in mixed with other food. I like to count mine as three because I took a jar of lunch juice with me to have later in the night. Today we have only juiced once and are trying to squeeze another in before bed. It's hard when it isn't your focus. My sister is trying to prepare her classroom for the start of school, I am trying to help Rachel prepare for the birth of her baby and the day just zooms past. I haven't been drinking enough water either. Shame on me.

So the deal with the juicing and living normal life is that it requires a lot of thinking ahead and planning. The first few days we just sat around and felt hungry and vaguely distracted until it was time to juice again. All of our thoughts were around juicing so we had everything we needed on hand and time to make each individual meal. But with normal life you run out of fruits and veggies and have to run to the store to make a juice. You have to juice early if you are going to be gone later or make extra and carry it with you in an ice chest or come home at meal times.

Don't get me wrong, I think juicing is a great thing. By saying that it gets hard I am not trying to discourage anyone. In fact it kind of encourages me. Pretty much everything worth while is hard. The struggle proves this is a lifestyle change. A conscious choice not a quick fix. We should struggle to make good choices in our life!

I have lots more to say about long term and short term effects of juicing and more on the juicing experience itself but I will save that for day 10 or a wrap up blog.

I gotta go throw some kale in the juicer and get my drink on!

Days 6 and 7

My bed.

That's where I am writing from. It's the only place I want to be. I'm so tired I could cry. Or maybe I'm so emotional I could cry. Or maybe I am so full I could cry. Maybe all three. I'm getting ahead of myself. This is the end of day 7. Let's not taint day 6 with another day's baggage.

Day 6...umm right day 6. Did I have a day 6? Where am I? Oh yeah. I woke up and drank some juice (any one sensing a pattern here?) then packed a bunch of fruit and veggies in an ice chest for the day. I stopped at the hospital to see my dad and then headed out to my friends to lend a hand. I spent a good part of the day pretty active, folding laundry, vacuuming, mopping, dishes, and putting together the bassinet for the baby. Being that active really made me notice how hungry and thirsty I was. I would eat a piece of fruit or some veggies between each activity. My stomach just kept growling. I swear I am more hungry eating and juicing than when I was just juicing. I juiced some lunch- my favorite- apple, pear, and carrot. Rachel even agreed it wasn't half bad. Dinner time rolled around and brace yourselves everybody- I ate. I had a bout a quarter of a baked potato, half a chicken breast and a bunch of green beans. I didn't have to eat meat. I could have stuck to veggies but I was interested in easing myself back into meat. I knew I was going to be having beef soon and didn't want that to be the first meat back into my diet. I made it 5 days just doing fruits and veggies....not bad I guess.

It was weird sitting at the table and eating a meal. It was a delicious. Rachel is a spectacular cook. But I didn't have the same feeling for the food as I was eating it. I guess that is good. No, probably great. They say this fast is supposed to retrain your pallet. I think it is retraining my brain. Breaking my attachment.

For a late night snack on day 6 Rachel had nachos. I had cooked zucchini.

Alright, day 7. I think the word of the day is letdown. No, I take that back. I had a great day. The word of the night is letdown. That is how I feel right now. Letdown. I feel the letdown after a big fun day. I feel the let down of expecting something that didn't happen (I guess babies don't just come because you want them to). I feel letdown by the way people can act. And I feel a little like I let myself down.

This morning I got up and juiced then went for a walk and lifted weights for a little bit. My friend was coming to get me for pedicures at 2 so I made the fastest green juice possible. Necessity really does push you to new heights. I had no idea I could put together the juicer, juice, and take it all apart in 5 mins. I also had no idea I could chug 16 ounces of spinach, apple, orange, carrot juice in 30 seconds. I spent the day shopping with the girls and then we headed to Rachel's baby shower. It just so happened to be at our favorite Mexican restaurant. Now here's the deal, I'm not letdown by the fact that I ate out or that I chose to eat what I ate. It was a calculated and conscious decision. But where I feel like I let myself down is in quantity. I didn't order tons of food- that was a good move- but I also didn't listen to my body- that was a bad move. When the food stopped tasting good I kept eating. When I could feel my stomach getting full I kept eating. I just wanted to clear my plate and move on. It wasn't mindless per say, it was more like I chose not to look at what I was doing. I feel very full and I really don't like that feeling. I wish I would have made a better choice.

So somewhere in there is a juicing life lesson. You know how they say that you shouldn't just sit around and let life happen to you? Well I think food is the same way. Don't just let food happen to you. You could wake up one day and not know how you got to 40 or wake up one day and not know how you got to 400lbs. It's all about the actions- the choices-being alert to what you are doing.

I don't know, I don't think I'm making very much sense tonight. Maybe I had too much beef and not enough juice. Or maybe I just need to go to bed.

Oh yeah, my family told me I was the biggest loser tonight at 12 lbs in 6 days. My sister said she always knew I was the biggest loser in the family. I think I might be offended if I was more alert.

High 5!

Yes day 5. 5 more days of juicing? I think so. It's gross. And a chore. But I can do it. My stomach feels a little funny right now. We just drank a nasty juice full of Italian kale. Not my fave. But then we rewarded ourselves with a piece of fresh pineapple. I think my tummy is trying to adjust to eating and drinking.

So this morning I laid in bed (which felt amazing- like more so than normal-I love my bed right now) and I was having a hard time with my thoughts. When I thought about being hungry I gagged a little. I could smell and taste the juice just thinking about it. It's just so frothy and stinky. We had our breakfast juices which were fine- I just don't think I am a fan of grapes in my juice because you get some skin in there- too chunky! I tried to climb back on the exercise wagon this morning. I did about a 4 mile walk. It was such a nice day- not too hot and a slight breeze. Heading back towards home I started to feel the fact that I was really hungry. I started to panic for a minute thinking that I couldn't possibly have enough nutrients to get me home. Then I reasoned with myself and decided that if it got bad I could call my siblings and get a ride and they could bring me something to eat. First thought in my head-a roll. White bread roll. Sugary and yummy roll. But then I realized I would only get fruits, veggies, or (gag) juice. So I decided to make it home on my own.

I ate half an onion baked with zucchini squash. and then ran some errands with the fam. We didn't get home until like 5pm. Note to self: 1 juice and a tiny amount of cooked veggies is not enough for a whole day. So we juiced when we got home and then ate some salad. Then I laid around feeling kind of tired. Today was kind of a tired and sore day. Maybe this was my day 3. My brother is having a super duper day 3. I think he is taking an Epsom salt bath right now because he aches so bad. Google says he is in deep detox.

I have to race like a pee horse -Pause- back. Was that vulgar? I guess I figure since I talk about my poop- which was colorful and large today- then pee should be fine.

Anyways...as of this morning I have lost 12 pounds. Weird. My mom has lost 10.

Oh yeah! 3 other people have started juicing for health since we started this! Yay for changing the world around you! Now if I could just get my dad to juice maybe he can get out of the hospital that he hates.

Guess what!? I have a treat for you all!- Pictures!

This is our juicer.Beet juiceJuicing some kale...grossTaste the rainbow!Lunch!

Cheers!

The aftermath- lots of pulp.It sets up in the fridge- shake first then drink.

This is what our kitchen is like now! I should have taken a picture of the fridge! No one in our family would ever recognize it!

Well, I hope you enjoyed and were relieved by the fact I didn't put any poop pictures up.

Goodnight!

Days 3 and 4

Yesterday was day 3. Hell day. Well, that is what they say. Everyone was telling us just make it through day 3 and you will be fine. Well it came. I saw. I conquered. It really didn't feel that bad. I was hungry of course. I had some intestinal pain in the morning. But other than that I was good. Juice isn't tasting so bad anymore- the problem is the texture and smell. I don't want to put that in my mouth anymore. I just went extra hungry last night because I didn't want to drink a 4th juice. Last night there was also a little bit of torture. I went to my friends later hoping they would be done with dinner but no... no such luck. They were making these amazing sandwiches with hard salami, pesto, and provolone on special bread. After baking it looked gooey and delicious. I learned a lot about myself while I watched them eat- more on that later. I also learned that pesto is my new favorite smell and that costco cookies smell as good as I remember them tasting. (so do chocolate covered almonds) -PAUSE- THERE IS A MINER BURGER SITTING ON MY TABLE RIGHT NOW, THIS ISN'T EVEN COOL! AHHHH!-

Okay, I am fine.

I didn't poop at all yesterday. That was sad. Today my poop was very colorful but not much of it. Lame. So I had my first unjuiced food today. And no it wasn't the Miner burger. And before you mutiny against this hypocritical blog let me explain. We started out wanting to do ten days because that is what the movie talked about. Then we did some more research and found that ten days isn't right for everyone. The people who did ten days were very unhealthy or combating big health problems. And after taking a self-assessment I found that I should be doing a diet that is mixed with fresh eating too. Part of me really wanted to go the 5 days without any food just because I said I would. I went back and forth in my head about whether that was me wanting to stick to my word or just being proud. I think it is pride. So I ate today. I ate 4 cherry tomatoes, one blackberry, 3 blueberries, and a handful of snap-peas with hummus. And I juiced twice today. I'm hungry of course but I feel just fine. We were supposed to eat dinner some beet dinner thing my brother was gonna make but they cracked and ate miners so I don't know what I'll do.

This morning I drank my breakfast juice and mowed for 5 hours. There were two bad things about mowing. 1) I had to pee all the time which meant stopping and going into the house. 2) The fresh cut grass smelled exactly like the juice we have been drinking tastes. I was mowing along and caught off guard by my past meals...it was not pleasant.

I've lost 9 pounds since Thursday night. That is weird. I feel healthy and peaceful.

Okay so lessons learned or pondered...

Self control is awesome. I love exerting it. It is so important! Everybody should practice it- no really practice it- like make a goal and then force yourself to achieve it. It feels great and prepares you for later in life. I know some people that have struggled to have self control their whole lives and because of that have made a mess of it. Start small and big won't seem so big later on!

Okay I am off my soapbox.

I also learned how mindlessly I eat. Several times last night I had to mentally check myself because I wanted to reach for food without consciously thinking about it. I wanted to pop Cherry tomatoes in my mouth, chew on the piece of salami that Rachel didn't use, and peel off the melted cheese from the tin foil. It was kind of surreal to stop yourself from doing something before you even knew you were gonna do it.

I like to eat and eat and eat until I am stuffed. I don't like moderation much. I counted out the food I ate today because I really wanted to just take the whole bowl of hummus and the bag of peas to the living room and eat until it was gone. When I was little I didn't really understand being full. I used to eat until I was sick. I had no idea that you were supposed to stop before that. I used to eat whole miner burgers and fries and a milkshake at ten- no ten year old girl should be able to do that. I can't believe I didn't weigh 300lbs!

Lastly I recognized a food issue I have. I think I inherited it from my food hoarding father. I was sitting at the table watching my friends eat their delicious sandwiches and found myself thinking stupid thoughts like "They'll never have those sandwiches again, or those cookies. This was my one chance to eat it and I am missing out." Wow. That is a giant lie and really sick thinking. That is how I am though. I am afraid of missing out on something. As a kid of course I wanted to be first in line to eat because I was impatient but also because I was afraid the good stuff would be gone. Even as an adult I want to put lots of something good on my plate in case there is none left for seconds. I never end up finishing what I have. It is a really sick attachment because I have never gone without food. And more than that I live in a country where I can hop in my car and drive a block to any grocery store and get whatever the heck I want anytime I want. Man.

Right now I feel like I am breathing life in deep and slow. I'll eat or I won't. I'll be okay.

Man this juice fast is pretty cool.

Day two

I am gonna try to write this one faster than last nights because I really want to go to bed. Not only am I sleepy tired, but I am tired of feeling hungry.

So last night I was still feeling a little shy but the hunger has gotten rid of that...so POOP WARNING! The next few sentences are not for the prude of heart. Last night while I was writing I had a little gas. I was sitting cross legged in a big chair and so the smell kind of wafted up. Let me tell you, this diet is dangerous. I almost passed out from my own stench. I am not sure I have ever smelled anything so rank and raw. Nasty...I know. On a possibly grosser but funnier note, someone in my family had an accident today. I won't name any names but she may have given birth to me. I came out of the bathroom to hear her laughing at herself. She had some gas that apparently wasn't just gas. Let's just say it was wet and runny and not urine. She had to do some floor cleaning and laundry after that incident.

Okay, I am done with the poop and fart talk. Or am I? It is really hard to tell with this diet.

Anyways, breakfast was of course pretty yummy. Fruits always are. I slept in as late as I could...well I could have slept in longer but my brother who couldn't sleep past 8 was texting me to get up.

Lunch was nasty. We tried something called mean green and as it sounds it was very green and having to drink it made me very mean. It was really tough to choke down. Especially the frothy part. Who wants to drink green froth? I don't think there will ever be a market for kale froth.

Dinner wasn't bad. It was mostly carrots and spinach. I also learned that chugging the juice is a technique that I am torn about. On the one hand you finish before you realize how much you hate it, but on the other hand the feeling of that thick of a beverage in my stomach so quickly isn't something I am fond of.

Realizations of the day:

Commercials suck.

Visiting your father in the hospital is okay as long as you leave before the dinner tray arrives.

My families mood swings complement eachother...most of the time. When one is ready to quit the others talk him or her off the ledge. The downside is that someone is always threatening and always crabby.

Going to the movies is a bad idea when the person in front of you has a large bag of buttery warm popcorn and is sitting so close that the smell reminds you of how great it tasted a week ago when you had some.

And lastly, if you say you hope you don't dream about something you probably will. Last night I dreamed about juicing and about real food. In the dreams I kept trying to juice things you can't juice like bananas and avocado. Somehow after pulling them out of the juicer they would end up in my mouth and I would have to scrape the food off my tongue and spit it in the garbage before my family realized I had cheated.

Sometimes I am amazed by my brains over-activity.

Well that's it I think.

Goodnight and happy eating. (which btw I hate you all for)

Brave or stupid?

It's funny how your perspective can change so quickly. A week ago I got incredibly excited every time I felt hungry- that meant I got to eat. This week I cringe when my stomach growls because I dread my next meal. Yesterday I thought a juice cleanse was a great idea. Today I want to eat a loaf of french bread- by myself- right now. This morning I thought my juice meal tasted pretty darn good. Tonight I gag when I think about liquids. Yeah, things change pretty quickly.

Rewind a bit...

My brother watched this documentary called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." It was about a dude who went on a juice fast for 60 days in effort to cure himself of his obesity and autoimmune disease. It worked. My brother sent us a text raving about it and now about a month later we are actually doing it. Well, attempting to do it.

The goal is a 10 day juice cleanse. We juice fresh fruits and vegetables each day for all of our meals. That's it. Just frothy juice. No chewing. (I miss chewing)

Why?

Well according to the website: "When we take in fresh fruits and vegetables in live form, because of the high enzyme and alkaline content, the body will begin to release toxins that have been lodged in the cells." Some of my family is also looking to lose weight with this cleanse but my main goal is to get rid of all the crap (no really, literally crap) that is stored in my poor lengthy intestines. If you don't already know this about me, I have a hard time pooping. I'm what you call irregular. Sometimes I get on a good schedule with my life and my bowels move pretty smoothly but the slightest change or trip or extended stay in a public place and it's like someone shoved a cork in my hind-end. I once went 9 days without a good release. Sick I know.

So that is the goal. But it isn't an easy road. The website goes on to say: "Once this happens, a cleansing response can occur, which range in headaches, dizziness, sore muscles, fatigue, nausea, low-grade fevers, runny nose or coughing, mood-swings. We are cleansed ONLY when the trapped matter LEAVES the system." Sounds like a party right? Ya know, I am not too worried about those things though. I've lived through feeling crummy many times before. I'm Catholic, I've fasted and been hungry. But I still think this is going to be the biggest test of my will and self-control that I have ever agreed to. I've given up certain things for amounts of time before. But I have always had a good substitute. When I give up sweets I have fruits to eat. When I give up meat I have, well, everything else to eat. But giving up eating and replacing it with drinking- not the best substitute.

Here's the deal. I love food. I mean I really really love food. I love the taste, taking bites, chewing, savoring, smelling and yes, talking about food. Juicing it all up and drinking it through a straw just feels like a grave injustice to the beauty that is food. Sick I know. I love food.

A few highlights...or lowlights from the start of this adventure:

On day 1 we bought our produce from a couple fruit stands and a grocery store that sells local foods. Then we went to Black Angus. I had steak, shrimp, ribs, potato skins, 3 cheese bread, fried zucchini, two kinds of salads, and molasses bread. It was amazing. (The memory haunts me)

On day 2 we actually started so for all intents and purposes this was day 1.

On the real day 1 we took the juicer out of the box and made a yummy liquid breakfast of apples, pears, carrots, and ginger. Then we made a list of all the things we were going to get accomplished during our cleanse.

Then we all promptly took large bowl movements.

We tried to substitute one addiction (food) for another (shopping). It didn't work too well because everywhere we ended up going had a grocery section to tease us.

Lunch was a mixture of pretty much every fruit and veggie under the sun. It resembled Barney in a blender. I choked it down because I was starving.

Dinner was basically Gazpacho juice. The first sip tasted pretty good. The last sip was truly muscled down.

I went to a dinner party and watched my friends eat steak and snack on crackers with fancy cheese. The highlight of the party- smelling Jake's BBQ smelling hands. Twice. YUM!

My dad called to tell us he is in the hospital again. Going to see him nearly drove my sister and brother to eat. It doesn't help that the cafeteria at Memorial hospital has always been a family favorite for their Clam Chowder, salad bar and fresh rolls.

I went out to some other friends house later in the night thinking it would be a good distraction. Little did I know the cop show we would watch starred a cop who never stopped eating delicious sandwiches. Okay, they may not have been delicious but at this point who cares!

My sweet and loving cousin also decided to eat dinner very late...chicken sausage stuffed with everything amazing including cheese. He let me smell that too though.

Mary was right, smelling food is almost like eating it. I had several large helpings of chocolate ice cream scent. Thanks Rachel.

Now it is almost 1am on real day two. I am hungry and have a headache. I also feel a little like I need to poop. Instead I am gonna go to bed and pray I don't dream about real food or have nightmares about their juices.

Stay tuned for more updates...

In my automobile...

“I wish I had a teleportation device.” I am ashamed to admit that it was I who muttered that phrase just the other day. Why? Well, because I had 140 miles of travel ahead of me and was not looking forward to it. One hundred forty miles: That doesn’t seem like much anymore. In fact it took me just about two hours from doorway to doorway. Two hours is nothing. Two hours is a movie, four television shows, a fancy dinner out, or half a school day. So why was I complaining? I complained because the automobile has completely changed America’s concept of time.

When we were asked to write this essay, I didn’t have much personal experience to draw from. I have never known what it is like to not have a car. I’ve never wanted for gasoline or tires. When and where I needed to go, I went. I grew up in a two or three car family. With each new licensed family member came a convenient way to get them where they needed to be. So, I knew I wouldn’t have a problem writing about life WITH a car but what about life without one? I decided to do some personal experimentation. I decided not to use my car sometimes (please hold your applause). As I write, I have four car-free (or relatively free) days under my belt. Today should have been my fifth but it was supposed to rain and I didn’t want to have soggy stuff when I arrived. Looking back at my decision making of early this morning I see more clearly other options, like wearing my bag under my waterproof coat or putting a garbage sack over my bag. But, at 6am I only saw two: walk and get wet or drive and stay dry. And just to be clear, it hasn’t rained at all yet.

Day 1: I left my house at 6:45am. I figured it couldn’t take longer than an hour and a half to get to school. I embraced modern technology and Google Map searched the route to see how far it was, and they estimated a walking time of 48 minutes. It actually ended up taking me 45 minutes, and once I jaywalked from my side street to Lincoln Ave, I had sidewalk the entire trip. It felt good to start my day with a brisk walk. I was a little overheated but I had an hour to cool down before my first class started. I read a book. After school I walked home a different path. I wanted to avoid main streets in the daytime because I don’t really like people all around me. I cut through Franklin Park and followed smaller streets from the Historic Chestnut district up to Lincoln and 35^th. I was blown away by all the beautiful houses I never knew we always had. For some, it was the meticulously manicured manors that caught my eye, others, the picturesque paint job, and still others, the sheer charisma and character of the quarters. It took me longer to get back home. It was uphill most of the way and I stopped several times to catch my breath when the combination of self-propulsion, fresh air, and beauty took it away. I told some of my friends and family that I had walked to school. I was so proud of the 5.2 mile roundtrip that I had made without the aid of wheels or an engine. Mostly, I was proud because I knew I could and I did. My mind always wonders things like: If you can, why don’t you? My first day walking was a pride builder in so many ways.

Day 2: On Tuesday mornings I play basketball with a group of older men from my church. It starts at 6am and is held at the gym 21 blocks away, so I drove. Rather than looking at that as a failure, I saw it as a necessary exception. I did rush home after, get ready, and walk down Lincoln to the Medical clinic for my friends’ appointment. I beat them to the door even though they drove past me. I didn’t have to put anything in park, unbuckle, or turn a key. I found out my Godchild is going to be a girl and then I grabbed my backpack and headed the rest of the way to school. The trip home this day was unremarkable from the previous trip which is to say it was incredibly remarkable. It is amazing what you can see when you open your eyes. And it is amazing what you can think and feel when you give your brain the time to process the stimuli coming in.

Day 3: This was the day I got my timing down. I knew how long it would take me and slept in accordingly. It was going to be a big day. As I made my way to school I passed through the Albertsons parking lot as usual. A random guy asked if I wanted a ride to school. I’m not sure how he knew I was going to school and I’m not sure why he thought it was okay to offer me a ride. This might be why my sister asked me to text her when I made it to school safely that first day I walked. After school, I had to walk to my Dad’s house to do some cleaning. He lives somewhere around Chestnut and 50-something. It was nice to see some new road. I passed a lady working in her raised beds right off a busy street. I really wanted to stop and ask her what she was growing. I had hoped it was all sorts of yummy vegetables. I walked past, shuffled back a few steps but then turned and kept going. I was too chicken to ask and I didn’t want to seem creepy. But more power to her! After working at my dads I walked a few more blocks to church for Good Friday Stations of the Cross. Then I began the little over two mile journey home. Around 6pm I got my walking shoes back on and repeated my previous journey only in reverse. I started walking crabby and having a headache but by the time I got to the church I was just tired. It was that good kind of tired though. The kind you feel happy to feel because you just walked 10miles that day. And I was indeed happy to feel it. I had my niece pick me up after the service though because it was dark out. This is still Yakima I live in.

Day 4: The trip to and from school is easy now. I stopped in the park on the way home to pray and chat on the phone with my boyfriend. I also started looking at people’s faces as they drive past. I was happy to see that some people look very happy. Some, however, look like I need to get out of their way or they will run me down, especially in their crosswalk (and don’t bother trying to tell them the crosswalk is for the pedestrians or that pedestrians have the right of way- it just won’t get through). Around 3:30, some friends from out of town got a hold of me and wanted to hang out for a bit. I had to be home before 5pm to baby-sit for my sister so we had a small window to work with. They asked me to join them at Northtown. I told them I wasn’t driving my car today. We tried to think of a closer place to meet but it would be tough to walk anywhere and back by five and still get to actually hang out. They said that could pick me up but that didn’t work out, so I didn’t go. I did homework and read instead.

Day 5: (I took a break in my writing and by the time I started again I had a day five to chronicle) I took my time walking this morning. I walked a new path and meandered through the Gilbert Place neighborhood. When I got to that giant mansion of a house near 16^th I stopped and starred and dreamed. I ran into a fellow student at the crosswalk on Tieton. I recognized him as one of the guys I usually see riding his bike to school. We chatted briefly about how he had gotten a flat but that today was a beautiful day to hoof it anyways. When the walk signal came on he jogged away. I still took my time. I ended up at class six minutes late. I didn’t care. My teacher didn’t seem to care either. I think deep down he knows that he is teaching us things we learned in middle school. It got windy on the trip home but I was unfazed. You know, I am really starting to value my walking time.

Time itself doesn’t change. An hour is still 60 minutes. A day is still 24 hours. But, what I learned about time from our conversations in class, the book, and my own “hands-on” research is that our idea of time is not the same as it ever was or as it will be in the future. Maybe, like beauty, time is in the eye of the beholder.

I noticed many interesting things surrounding time. Some are small things, like the time it takes to walk across the crosswalk. I noticed that you never have enough time. The drivers in cars look at you like you are a snail even when you are speed-walking across to accommodate them. Even the little green or yellow walking figure that appears on the signal only lasts about a quarter of the time it takes to cross. I can’t tell you how many times I have found myself in the middle of the road while the crosswalk signal is putting up a big red hand telling me to stop. Why is the time to cross so short? My guess: to accommodate the automobile. Besides, nobody really uses crosswalks anyways; everyone has a car to drive somewhere.

I also noticed that because of the automobile, we are able to do more with our time. We can go places we couldn’t go in a day before. We can check more things off of our list in one day. We can be more productive if we need to be. In 1909 it took 20 days to drive across the US. Today it takes 36 hours. You gave us that statistic in class. But, what does that mean to people who don’t have to travel across the nation? Well it means that if you can traverse the country in 36 hours then you can do just about anything in a day. It means you can make it to work in another town in 30 minutes. It means you can make it to the doctors in 20 minutes, roundtrip to the store in 15minutes and you could even have a McDonald’s cheeseburger in your mouth in less than 10minutes. In fact, you can do all those things in one day -twice! When I drive to school it takes me literally 5-7minutes depending on traffic and school zones. When I walk it takes me 45minutes. That means that when I drive I have nearly 40 more minutes to sleep, eat, sit in a bubble bath, read, pray, talk to my family or anything else I wish to do. But usually, I fill those 40minutes with something. Just something. Not even anything that I can specifically remember. In fact, I usually end up feeling rushed as I hustle out the door. When I use those 40minutes to walk to school, I know exactly what I am doing. For that amount of time, I am living on purpose. I am walking to school. I am looking at houses. I am thinking about my day and my life. I said we could be more productive if we need to be. What we need to remember though, is that the automobile can gift us with time, but it can also steal from us the value of that time.

So I guess I also noticed that the automobile can be a thief. Our value of time is not the only thing it can steal. It can steal from us our health. We are one of the most obese countries and Yakima has been listed as one of the fattest cities. The only exercise some get is from the front door to the car door and with garages, even that is minimal. It can steal our money. It costs $40 to fill your tank every week. It needs new tires, and washing, and changing. The automobile steals money like a metal and rubber child that can’t love you in return. It can steal our pride. “Wow, look at that car, it’s bigger, better, cooler, sexier, smarter, and so is the person driving it.” As that video showed us, research makes sure we feel this way. Finally, cars can steal that time they give us right back from underneath us. The average American spends 70hours a year in traffic. That is nearly two weeks of vacation time stolen from you in little 20minutes increments each day. But, as Americans, we love the car so we keep letting it rob us blind.

I also learned about my own feelings regarding time. I have to make time to take time. I have to say to myself, “Self, don’t be so rushed or try to cram so many things in.” When I read that part in the book where they didn’t go out and do things because it was raining or the part where they had a lazy holiday because they didn’t hop on a plane or train to travel, I was envious. During lent, one of the things I gave up was television. I started doing new things to fill my time. I read books, walked while listening to books on tape, took naps, and even put together puzzles. As lent ended I was excited to get to watch TV again but then a quick thought entered me mind, “how will I have time to do those other things with all the TV watching I do.” It’s not the same thing but it is very similar. Even if I don’t consciously think it, I must love the idea of the automobile and time not controlling me. Sometimes when we think we are exercising freedom we are actually chaining ourselves to something else.

The automobile has most definitely changed our idea of time. Some of those changes are good and productive and some are less than ideal. Sometimes we feel more freedom because of our car, and sometimes we feel more oppressed. I don’t know for sure if it is bad that we have let the automobile change our idea of time, but I do think that it could be very bad for our culture if we don’t change our ideas about the automobile.

The walkers lament.

I've walked around all morning looking like I'm crying.
Maybe I am.
Wait that is Johnny Cash's line. I am wearing a black sweatshirt and black hat. Maybe I'm channeling his spirit.
Okay so the cry-looking eyes don't have anything to do with anything really except that as I type I keep being reminded of them by the burning and the sniffing. Why do dripping eyes always have to bring along the dripping nose? Sniff Sniff. Oh well.
So, my new hobby- when I walk places I like to look at the faces of the drivers as they pass by. The best is when I'm using the crosswalk and I get to see the drivers faces who are trying to make a right hand turn. Their eyes glare at me as if to say: "Who has the audacity to step foot in my road?" And then the second they think they can get around me without clipping me, they zoom past. I shrug a little once I reach the safety of the sidewalk. I feel a little bad that I ruined their day like that. But mostly I feel extremely overjoyed for them knowing that the worst part of their day is a 5 second pause to let me across the street. Their life must be something spectacular!
If you ever find yourself enraged by the person keeping you from the beloved right hand turn, then stop, and smile. Life is grand! No boss will yell at you today! No child will enter a battle of wills against you! No car accidents! No war! No world hunger! Have no fear because the worst part of your day today is little ol' me! I almost feel like a super hero! Environmentalist are right- walking to school really is saving the world.
One more thing on the topic of walking. I think I am going to start working on a patent for a new invention. It's similar to a catapult. When you press the little button at the corner that lets the mainframe know a pedestrian needs to cross, the catapult would engage. Once the little lighted man appeared on the sign across the street, the catch would release sending the people soaring to the other side. I know what you are thinking...there must be all sorts of liabilities to sort out what with all the people flying through the air willy-nilly like that just to land on concrete. But I'm sure congress can sort that out. Maybe a foam pit at each street corner.
Yes, my invention would have to be extremely accurate for that to work. And I would need to account for the brittle bones of old people and the metal gears of the riders' bikes that may become lodged in another's ribs or skull. Maybe the government can handle that one too. Like laws about who can use the cross walks and maybe even a licensing process. Everyone who wants to walk would have to prove themselves fit enough to cross the street and vow to do so unencumbered.
This must all seem like a lot of work but really, this is the only solution I can see to the pressing problem of crosswalk crossing time. Sure, we could just make the time the little walking figure appears longer and keep the red stop walking hand at bay say...oh I dunno, a reasonable amount of time for an average individual without super human speed to get atleast most of the way across the street. But come on, that sounds too easy and logical. Which probably means it would never work.
I bet the right hand turning drivers would like the catapult idea as well. Not only would it get them past quicker, but it would be like a fun arcade game- trying to avoid the flying pedestrian from splatting on your windshield.
The more I think about this, the more scientifically complex it sounds. And boy do I hate science. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

I get around...

Today marked the third day that I have made the 2.6 mile walk to school in the morning. It takes right around 45minutes from my front door to the front door of the Haven ministry house (across the street from the campus). Why am I walking to school? I wish it was for more noble reasons like trying to save the planet or in support of those who cannot afford vehicles-perhaps those in third world countries who walk miles everyday simply to access clean drinking water. But, those of you who know me, probably know that isn't true. Hopefully you know that isn't true because I'm a complicated woman kind of human being who rarely does anything for one single good reason and not because I'm a selfish jerk (please say I'm not a selfish jerk). I guess I could be a selfish jerk- that is kind of the point of this whole blog thing right- to write about myself and in order to make it funny let my flesh-ripping sarcasm shine through.
Anyways, back to me (wow I can't get away from this selfish thing can I ((my sisters where right(((nobody tell them that please))).
So walking to school- right walking. Why have I been walking? Well, I decided to walk to school once just to see if I could do it. I had been reading about that family in NYC who gave up mechanised transportation and thought it sounded like a challenge. And because I am highly competitive- yes, even with myself- I decided to give it a try. I left the house super early because I had no idea how long it would actually take me to make the trek- google maps gives you an estimate but -brace yourselves for this- sometimes technology is wrong. I ended up about 45minutes early for school so I read a book and tried to get myself to not stink of sweat and outside. Even though it is somewhat cool and brisk in the morning I end up sweating by the time I get where I am going. And it is that annoying kind of sweat where you are hot and cold at the same time. I think cold sweat might even smell worse than hot sweat- or maybe it just makes you more self conscious because you think you shouldn't be sweating or maybe I am just thinking about this too much- that could be true too. The walk home that first day was the best and worse part. It was slower paced because I wasn't trying to be anywhere at any certain time so I could really have a chance to take in the scene around me. I had no idea there were such beautiful houses in Yakima. Some newer construction and others old with wonderful upkeep. I just love looking at unique houses! It was also sunny. Sunny is nice but that made is warmer and that made me sweat even more. It is also uphill the whole way home....more sweat. But overall, I was extremely proud of myself for meeting the challenge and doing something I thought I could.
The second time was a different story. This time I was walking because I knew I could and thought I should. If I can get to school and not use my car then I probably should-sometimes. Not only does it save me money and provide over 5 miles of fat burning cardio round trip, it is better for the environment that I call home. So I walked out of determination and a little bit of guilt.
Mostly I just remember thinking, "Wow this is taking forever!" Okay, that is a lie I also did stop dead in my tracks two times in awe of a couple different properties I passed. One was this old white faded brick house that looked like it belonged on an old hilly street in Seattle. It had this amazing deck with those paper lantern lights hung all over yet avoiding the tacky look. I envied their entertaining capabilities. The second was a modest house that had a meticulously manicured tree growing up the front wall and perfectly placed around the windows of both stories. It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen. But other than that, walking was just taking forever. I was tired and I wanted to be home.
That was Tuesday. Since then I have been going back and forth in my head about walking again. I think I should keep it up at least until I finish writing my paper for Humanities about the affect of the automobile on American culture, but I am also searching for reasons why I absolutely need my car. Why would I need my car- how about the value of my time and the things I need to do? I wrestled with that until last night and then still being undecided, I turned to my adventurous and competitive side to make the decision. I need to go to my dads after school to clean and I need to make it to Stations of the cross at 3 and back for Good Friday services at 7. Can I do that all without my car? Can I go one day of somewhat normal activities without my car? Is that a challenge I smell (or my armpits((sorry, maybe this is why people are shocked when I tell them I am 25- perhaps my humor suggests a little boy))? So challenge it is and challenge myself I shall!
This time I know how long it will take me and wake up with just barely enough time to shower, throw some food in my mouth and blow dry my hair so it doesn't look like a twisty mess all day. I ditch my backpack because even though I am taking 17 credits, I apparently have no need of any of the books I bought or even my brain- maybe I should leave that at home today too.
I head down then up, then back down the little hills surrounding my house and start the Rosary as I walk. When I get to Albertsons (the half way point) I see a motorcycle cop and some guy at the pump makes a comment in my general direction. I didn't hear him and mumbled, "huh?" Apparently he thought that was an agreeing response to whatever he said because he laughed and asked me if I was going to school. I am a little creeped out but before I put that title on the feelings, my mouth is already responding to him: "Yeah." As he asks if I want I ride I silently chastise myself for not answering with something like, "No, I am heading to see my big strong boyfriend who carries a gun," or "No, I'm with that cop over there," or "No, I am actually a scary man under these clothes who will kick your you-know-what if you try anything you big creep." But because I am distracted by my inner monologue my mouth answers for me again: "Nah, I'm doing this for exercise, thanks though." I guess that is much nicer- hopefully not too nice. Luckily my feet weren't involved in any of this. They just kept minding their own business putting one in front of the other so I am pretty far away now as he mutters something else. In less then a minute I get back onto a main road feeling very relieved, a little stupid, and slightly helpless. The guy from the pump drives past and honks. I raise a hand in recognition and I spend the rest of the walk to school hoping that I know that guy from one of my classes and not from a poster or the bottom corner of the newspaper where the crime stopper ads are. And then before I know it I am at the school.
This challenge/project/environmental duty really is proving to be a challenge, even in Yakima- or maybe especially in Yakima. I hope the rest of the day is less eventful.

Who we are today...

So I wrote this for my pop-culture class. We discuss a lot in class and have been reading the book No Impact Man- a self proclaimed liberal book about a family trying to live as environmentally friendly as possible in the middle of NYC. Luckily my teacher doesn't care about grammar or any of that- all he wants are my thoughts and I have many of those to give.

It is very easy to place a label on a person or group of people. It is however, a heck-of-a-lot harder to be accurate with that label. I have heard it said so many times that Americans are lazy, selfish and uncaring. I don’t believe any of those things are true to the nature of most Americans. I think Americans are hard-working, self-motivated, and very giving. But I do believe we as a culture suffer from a rather large problem. We go through life wearing blinders.

When my sister played basketball in High School, her coach gave her these special glasses to wear that blinded the bottom half of her vision. When she was wearing them she was forced to look up at the players around her and where it was she was going instead of focusing on her feet or the ground in front of her. This worked wonders for her ability to find the open teammate, fake out her opponent and dribble flawlessly with ease. Being my cool big sister, I would watch her practice. I never saw her trip and fall while wearing those glasses but I still wondered: What would happen if her shoe-lace came untied, or a twig fell in the driveway under her feet and she couldn’t see the potential danger? When she was only wearing those basketball blinders for 30 minutes of practice, it was a long shot that anything tragic would actually happen. But imagine wearing those all day- everyday- walking down the street, in a crowded mall, while doing your homework, watching TV, or trying to eat. It seems the blinders worked wonders in relation to basketball when worn during practice but might severely inhibit other essential activities.

This is how I see many Americans today- myself included. We put on blinders to help us focus- to achieve a task but we never take them off. We see fathers wearing work blinders at home, politicians wearing money blinders when talking to the needy, and individuals wearing success blinders while trying to measure their worth. We may not be forced to wear these blinders but we may not see the alternative. There might not be a gun to our heads demanding negligence to all the rest but it might feel like it most times.

There are three main things I think these blinders do that I would like to dissect. First off, I think these blinders keep us looking at the big problem and not our part in it. When we discussed this a little in class I brought up the idea of personal responsibility. Where has it gone? This is one of the ways the book convicts me. Colin continually points out that his eco footprint is less than 1% of 1% of the problem (not his words but mine) yet he embarks on the project anyway. One man. One woman. One kid. One dog. Each living the life they think is good and right. Despite the hardships. Despite the looks and comments. That is what I call personal responsibility. Just because one person cannot fix the problem- whatever the problem may be- doesn’t mean that person should add to it again and again, day after day. The book also talks about what I call the blame game. We as Americans tend to be excellent at sitting back and complaining about problems. We are even pretty decent at throwing out half-hearted, half-assed solutions. But we are absolutely terrible at writing letters, signing petitions or heaven forbid- talking to someone productively who has legitimate power to affect change on whatever scale you are seeking. We much prefer to sit in our car drinking from our plastic water bottle complaining about pollution. This is also why I was utterly unsurprised by some of the stats about young America. We don’t follow politics because it is bigger than we are. We don’t care who our mayor, governor or senator is because they don’t really represent the individual. And we don’t vote because our vote doesn’t matter. So we walk around wearing our blinders that lead us to believe our ship is sinking but there is nothing we can do about it with just one bucket.

Blinders also keep us focused on quantity not quality. In class we talked about how many more things there are to do in our busy lives. Someone even mentioned that we do things poorly so that we can do more things. That sounds terrible to hear but it is very true. I just have to think about the last time I threw my shirt on the chair in my room because I couldn’t spare 30 seconds to hang it up…I had to check my email, my facebook, do my homework, exercise and eat dinner! As a nation, we are in to progress. But we struggle with the idea of progress for the sake of progress. A great example in my mind is the Apple IPad. This is an electronic device that practically functions as a computer but without the storage space and more focused on entertainment. Not even a year after this much hailed bit of technology was launched, a second model came out. What was wrong with the first? I bet most customers hadn’t even figured out how to use all the features on the first one. What’s wrong with a two-slice toaster? Nothing, but let’s make a 12-slice toaster anyways! It seems that America’s motto is: When everything is running smoothly, let’s try to make it hover above the surface instead (just to see if we can). Something I read on the page 4 summary really struck a cord with me, especially in regards to this push for progress and quantity over quality mentality. “And, the results of wrong solutions will be larger and possibly more lethal.” That is a scary thought. In the movie FOOD Inc it talks about the mass production of ground beef. It makes me ill just thinking about that segment. As a nation we want lots of meat and we want it cheap, so we mass produce it. In our hurry for quantity we leave quality by the wayside and end up with poisonous beef. And then with our blinders of progress on, instead of asking why the meat is making us sick, we ask what we can do to kill the germs. So we end up with beef that has been treated and zapped so much that it is no longer a meat appropriate color so we add dye by the bucket loads (because hey, we have SO MUCH meat!). What happened to feeding and caring for Bessy until you thoughtfully slaughtered her for high quality meat? I guess Bessy doesn’t deserve that kind of quality- I guess Americans don’t deserve that kind of quality either. At least that is the message mass production sends. The curly light bulbs are very similar. We have more light for longer but someday we might have to face mercury poisoning or send it all to space and watch the solar system disintegrate. My hope is that catastrophe doesn’t strike while we wear these blinders; that when we make things hover because we can, we don’t blow ourselves up in the process.

Finally, these damn (sorry but I think damn it appropriate) blinders that we wear keep us providing for a family we are neglecting. As a society we have a collective mindset that having a lot means we are happy and healthy and gosh darn it, people will like us. So we work ourselves to the bone to get money to spend. I know many parents that say they want their children to be better off than they were. But sadly that only seems to translate to having more money and more stuff. It is out of love that we want to provide but with these blinders on we forget what, or who, we are providing for. So many families have more TVs than members, a number of shoes to match their age, and eat whatever food is hip, in, convenient, or just plain tasty; but they talk to each other- actually talk- less than 15 minutes a day. It is no mystery to me why marriage rates are declining. That handout didn’t shock me. But I do wonder why people are up in arms wondering what’s wrong with kids these days. Offspring are a direct result of their raising. So you ask why kids rely on so much stuff and why they are rude and ignorant of life. Well, open your eyes- you bought them that, you taught them that or you didn’t teach them that. And maybe even worse, because you didn’t, someone else did. In our good-intentioned blindness, we have done away with the family unit. And in doing away with the family unit we have eradicated the power and pleasure it once brought.

I know this all sounds very cynical, and maybe it is. But, who are we today, you ask? We are not as dark and cold as I paint it. I spin it that way as a warning. We as a people, as a culture, are good. We are loving, hardworking and passionate. But we are wearing blinders. And if we can’t manage to remove them, open our eyes and recapture what life is all about, it will be very simple to label America. That label will be loser- because we will have lost what we are trying so hard to live for.

Eng&101 Free Writing

Is it appropriate to talk to strangers in the public restroom? I think this question is open to interpretation. There are times when it might be considered okay. Most people would see that question and, like my neighbor across from me, regard it as creepy. It seems like the easy answer is no. No, it is never appropriate to talk to strangers in the public restroom. I will admit however, that I have done it. I talk to friends and family all the time in the bathroom- weird? Well maybe not weird for family but talking to friends in the bathroom- so weird. Not for me. Not on Reach where you live in such close quarters that you quickly become family to people who were complete strangers. But this isn't even really getting to the heart of the situation. The heart of the situation asks about strangers. I still think that there are times when it is appropriate - well at least times when it is not completely inappropriate. Especially for women- I mean come on- we talk constantly. We go to the bathroom in groups. There are couches in many ladies rooms for crying out loud! Are we supposed to sit there together silently. Sorry, back to the whole stranger issue. So maybe you can talk to a stranger in a public restroom at certain times. What's a good time? When you are washing your hands, drying your hands or making sure your face is on straight. Can we all except that? What about when a restroom is crowded? Is it okay to talk to another restroom goer (haha goer- bathroom-potty- haha) while waiting in line? Sure, I think. Just watch your content. Nobody wants to hear in depth about just how badly you need to go. And nobody wants description on urine color or scent. And certainly nobody cares if you have a killer bladder infection. I have also decided that making verbal notes on smells or sounds while in a public restroom should be frowned upon. Same thing goes for laughing or snickering too. Okay, so we have established that talking to strangers can be okay sometimes and about certain things. Now I have a story I would like to share. The story that sparked this whole question. Yesterday I wore no shoes all day. It was in support of TOMS One Day Without Shoes campaign promoting awareness of kids in foreign countries without the luxury of even a single pair of shoes. It was pretty cool overall. I felt blessed to be a part of it. It hurt a little, was very cold, and a little gross when I had to go into the bathroom to do my duty. (haha duty sounds like...oh never mind) Anyways, there were two other girls in the restroom. One of them was from my speech class. I do not know her name and all I remember of her is that she likes to party and can't make guacamole in 3-5 minutes like she apparently thought she could. All this I learned in a 5+ minute speech minutes before. So my point is that I would consider her a stranger. Maybe even more strange than some because I don't really want to get to know her- the party thing I can handle but not if you can't whip me up some guac in an acceptable time frame. Sorry- back on track. I enter my stall to do my thing. Then I hear: "You should be my speech tutor." (tutor...tooter sheesh what am I a 7 year old boy?) Well, since I am in her speech class and that other lady presumably isn't, I figure she must be talking to me. I hope I illustrated in my previous ranting that when one party is in the stall, talking to strangers is not appropriate. Major fopaux- or to use a term she would get "party foul!" But me being the wonderfully sweet and kind and giving and caring and self-conscious person I am, I feel horribly obligated to answer. I say something to the effect of just keep practicing and checking your time. I thought that was a good concise answer to give that would allow me to get back to my silent stall job. Silence. It worked. Crap! (...crap...too easy) Next thing I know I hear: " I do have one question for you- why are you not wearing shoes?" Good question, bad timing. You see, by this point the guac-failure girl is done washing her hands, drying her hands and even checking her face- if she does that sort of thing. And now she is simply standing directly outside my stall door waiting for an answer. There is no eloquent way out. So I take a deep annoyed breath and give her the abridged version of the TOMS mission. And because God really does love me, that was enough. "Cool, " she replied and left the bathroom. Cool? All that awkwardness for cool. I think TOMS should give me a medal for that -interrupting my mission to share theirs...I guess I can sacrifice for the greater good. But I have left out the real hero of this story. That third lady. I think we could all learn a lesson from that third lady, who through it all stayed quiet in her stall, observing the unspoken rules of the public restroom. Here's to you silent stall women! If I happen to meet you again I might even thank you for the example you set- let's just hope I remember to wait until the appropriate time.

Random thoughts

What is wrong with me that I can be totally intrigued by a show staring an ego-maniac like sister wives but almost totally appalled by one that delves into the life of a woman who sleeps with her blow dryer and another who eats toilet paper. (I say almost totally appalled because I did leave the TV on long enough to hear each of their opening sob stories.) I crack myself up. I tell these jokes or make these comments that no one gets but when I read or think back on them I feel so proud. I would like to think that I am just highly intelligent and not many people can think with such depth and implied meaning. But that sentence also cracks me up because... yeah right! Mostly I think I crack myself up because I am a weirdo who spent too much time alone as a kid. I had to find myself entertaining or I was going to face death by boredom. Same train station, different track- Why do I find sarcasm so funny? Is is wrong that I can have entire conversations without saying one thing about how I truly feel about a subject. Furthermore, is is wrong that I can tell someone how I truly feel about a subject by expressing the opposite in great depth? Again, I like to think that that is a show of skill not one that proves I lack a human heart. Can you make a tree grow into the shape of a heart? I had time to think about that question today as I sat at a stop light on my way to school. It was a long thought too...why the tree limb I saw was shaped like it was...if the people who lived there sat on it...I would sit on it if it was my tree...I would take pictures on it if it were my tree...tree limbs are cool...can you shape a tree like a heart...I would definitely take pictures in that tree...would it break the mold as it grew because trees are so strong...what if you used steel...or that stuff that Wolverine has infused in his system...I bet I could get lots of people to pay me to take pictures in my heart shaped tree...a lovers tree...business idea...the car in front of me is moving. I'm not sure if that was the longest red light in the world or if I set some kind of record for the most complete thoughts in such a short time frame. I have to go to class soon. I am sure glad the library gives us students unlimited Internet access so that between classes I can work on homework, practice a speech, study for my Spanish quiz- wait who am I fooling, I didn't do any of those things. Instead I checked my email- more private notes from "Hot Single Mama" and news on the latest implants. Then I checked facebook where I saw someone liked one of my comments proving that at least one other person has a brain that can function as well as mine. Then I wrote this. And I believe this goes to show that going to college is very important.

ENG&101 Think Tank

I sat in my English class this morning and I missed something- here me out. I missed high school. It is a long thought and not nearly as judgmental of others as it may sound so that is why I say here me out. In high school I was on the accelerated track for many classes. They were more challenging- much less boring- and they were with kids I had known for years and trusted. So I sat there and missed high school and thought that besides a few required classes, I could take more challenging classes. I could search out the teachers who are more difficult or the subject matter that is more intense and then I wouldn't be so bored. But then I got scared. I thought about being in a hard class with a bunch of strangers and feeling overwhelmed and scared and doomed. In high school I trusted that my friends were feeling the same as they sat in the harder classes. I knew if we did group work we all cared about the grade. Stepping up academically was stepping up with a group- a family you trusted and had little reason to fear failure. Okay, so it is not the people. Although I did have pretty awesome high school classmates and friends, but I am sure there are great people at YVCC too. It is all in my head really. It's also probably all excuses. But before I go on and berate myself I will admit that many of the classes for the subjects I am interested in are in fact very easy and therefore kind of boring. So back to me and my nasty human nature that I should want to battle more violently... I don't want to be bored in class but I don't want to take a class that I could fail and by fail I mean get a B. I don't want to live under my potential but I want to ensure that I excel. I want the challenge but I don't want the possible pain. I could be a Doctor but I don't want to go to school for 8 years. Okay so the Doctor thing is a stretch- it's more of an illustration than truth. I would hate being a Doctor because I don't like needles and germs and people in pain. BUT... Sometimes I just stop and think about potential and then I feel this agonizing fear that I have never truly reached it and may never truly reach it because I desire simplicity and peace at the same time. Can I be simply the best at something? Can I have peace while fighting to reach top? What separates people with dreams from people who are living those dreams? What if you are living some...some that take less talent and hard work? Does that make you less of a true liver of life? If you think you can does that mean you should? If you say you don't regret the past because you are happy with who you are now does that mean it was okay not to push yourself to be the best you could? I don't really study. I don't really have to. But what if I did? I don't really try to learn how to be a better writer. I like most of what I write and people say they enjoy it. But what if I did? I don't try to train for a marathon because I am proud enough of the 5K I can run. But what if I did? What if I did all the things that don't interest me in the interest of being the best me- what the heck kind of life would that be? I can't do it all. I can't be a best selling author, a marathon icon, a doctor or scientist, the best mother in the world, a 5 star chef, an inventor, and a million dollar event planner all in one. I can't be the best at everything I am good at- so how do I still be the best me? Love matters- loving to my greatest ability is key I know. But after that? Where do peace and unrest fit into the rigors of being the best at any given thing? What do I do with these feelings in the face of living for today and working with what God is placing in front of me? Wow that is a lot of questions and a whole lot of woe-is-me-whiny-ramblings. But it feels good to write.

Oops I did it again...

Why is it always so hard for me to write when I am supposed to. When I say, "write everyday," I never do. I can't even manage to write in this once a week. I just really hate pressure. Pressure to perform or be something or someone. When I played basketball, I remember my coach getting so mad at me because I would try to get rid of the ball as soon as I got it. The pressure was just too much when it was in my hands. And in soccer, I was a wreck until the other team scored the first goal- then the pressure was off. But life is full of pressure so I should probably just grow up and deal with it.
So I drove to Othello today to visit an awesome friend and it was a great time to think. A little over 3 hours of desolate road. I thought about lots of stuff but one of the random things was this...it would be really easy to be crazy. All you have to do to go crazy is give in. Just give in when you feel worthless. When you have those little thoughts that seem crazy, enter in and let them wash over you. Never use logic. Don't believe rational thinking. Also- have zero faith. Zero faith in yourself. Zero faith in God. Zero faith in others.
Now that I think about it- that sounds kind of hard. Nasty feelings take a lot of nasty energy.
Weird.