ENG&101 Think Tank

I sat in my English class this morning and I missed something- here me out. I missed high school. It is a long thought and not nearly as judgmental of others as it may sound so that is why I say here me out. In high school I was on the accelerated track for many classes. They were more challenging- much less boring- and they were with kids I had known for years and trusted. So I sat there and missed high school and thought that besides a few required classes, I could take more challenging classes. I could search out the teachers who are more difficult or the subject matter that is more intense and then I wouldn't be so bored. But then I got scared. I thought about being in a hard class with a bunch of strangers and feeling overwhelmed and scared and doomed. In high school I trusted that my friends were feeling the same as they sat in the harder classes. I knew if we did group work we all cared about the grade. Stepping up academically was stepping up with a group- a family you trusted and had little reason to fear failure. Okay, so it is not the people. Although I did have pretty awesome high school classmates and friends, but I am sure there are great people at YVCC too. It is all in my head really. It's also probably all excuses. But before I go on and berate myself I will admit that many of the classes for the subjects I am interested in are in fact very easy and therefore kind of boring. So back to me and my nasty human nature that I should want to battle more violently... I don't want to be bored in class but I don't want to take a class that I could fail and by fail I mean get a B. I don't want to live under my potential but I want to ensure that I excel. I want the challenge but I don't want the possible pain. I could be a Doctor but I don't want to go to school for 8 years. Okay so the Doctor thing is a stretch- it's more of an illustration than truth. I would hate being a Doctor because I don't like needles and germs and people in pain. BUT... Sometimes I just stop and think about potential and then I feel this agonizing fear that I have never truly reached it and may never truly reach it because I desire simplicity and peace at the same time. Can I be simply the best at something? Can I have peace while fighting to reach top? What separates people with dreams from people who are living those dreams? What if you are living some...some that take less talent and hard work? Does that make you less of a true liver of life? If you think you can does that mean you should? If you say you don't regret the past because you are happy with who you are now does that mean it was okay not to push yourself to be the best you could? I don't really study. I don't really have to. But what if I did? I don't really try to learn how to be a better writer. I like most of what I write and people say they enjoy it. But what if I did? I don't try to train for a marathon because I am proud enough of the 5K I can run. But what if I did? What if I did all the things that don't interest me in the interest of being the best me- what the heck kind of life would that be? I can't do it all. I can't be a best selling author, a marathon icon, a doctor or scientist, the best mother in the world, a 5 star chef, an inventor, and a million dollar event planner all in one. I can't be the best at everything I am good at- so how do I still be the best me? Love matters- loving to my greatest ability is key I know. But after that? Where do peace and unrest fit into the rigors of being the best at any given thing? What do I do with these feelings in the face of living for today and working with what God is placing in front of me? Wow that is a lot of questions and a whole lot of woe-is-me-whiny-ramblings. But it feels good to write.

Oops I did it again...

Why is it always so hard for me to write when I am supposed to. When I say, "write everyday," I never do. I can't even manage to write in this once a week. I just really hate pressure. Pressure to perform or be something or someone. When I played basketball, I remember my coach getting so mad at me because I would try to get rid of the ball as soon as I got it. The pressure was just too much when it was in my hands. And in soccer, I was a wreck until the other team scored the first goal- then the pressure was off. But life is full of pressure so I should probably just grow up and deal with it.
So I drove to Othello today to visit an awesome friend and it was a great time to think. A little over 3 hours of desolate road. I thought about lots of stuff but one of the random things was this...it would be really easy to be crazy. All you have to do to go crazy is give in. Just give in when you feel worthless. When you have those little thoughts that seem crazy, enter in and let them wash over you. Never use logic. Don't believe rational thinking. Also- have zero faith. Zero faith in yourself. Zero faith in God. Zero faith in others.
Now that I think about it- that sounds kind of hard. Nasty feelings take a lot of nasty energy.
Weird.