Another one

I throw it up in the air, one
Of those blue and white
Coleman water coolers with
A spout and handle,
Up into the grey sky.
It leaves my hand at a swing
Landing with a pop as
The handle breaks free.

Before, his shorts and
Tank top and sandal feet
Left His leaning
Against the car. I knew
He couldn't stay away
No matter how mad he was.
The Caprice Classic
Light blue station wagon,
The kind with the backwards
Facing third row seat, I saw it
Pulling in from the stands.

Before, there were so many
Loud words exchanged
And tears- I heard,
From under the table
Already ready to go,
A crescendo of anger, 20-some
Unhappy years and finally
An ultimatum. When we return
It would all be different
He said, so She left with me
To see my sister play.

Again, I swing it up after
Putting the handle back on.
Swinging, falling, breaking, fixing...
Again...
        And again...
                          And again...
All the way to the car-
For over forty years now.

One day, when I need it,
No matter how hard I try
The cooler won't stay together
Because that day of the game
The damage was done.

Poem

Plume of the Poet Laureate

I'm filled with hope          and sorrow
Happiness                       and despair
This is life
I am living
So fragile                        and strong
Pain                                and pleasure
A weak kind of headstrong
A headstrong kind of weakness
It could end at any moment but
Still it goes on in
An unbroken line
Up     down     right     left     north     south
Veering but unbroken
This life
I see yesterday
             I breath in today
I envision tomorrow
I smile
          The kind that creeps up
From the middle left of your chest
It rises, warms and curls
I smile                          and I cry
The salty tears mount and blur
Slipping with a blink
                              Sliding down
the rounded curve of my face
I cry                           and I smile
I'm terrified               and ecstatic
Sad                            and happy
I'm alive
            In a classroom
Listening to
                A poem about
Atomic bombs

2 places- 5 minute images

10.  In the gym in Cali when I got the text that he was gone.
A teammates voice on the microphone, smells like sweat and sugary foods, metal chairs shifting, muffled coughs and yawns, teenagers, sun coming in from the double doors to the side of the gym, chaperons talking in the kitchen, a small wooden table with our blue plastic tub sitting on it. Sitting cross legged in my own metal chair, my phone is cold, I used it for my clock, I was bored by the same old stories, there was a text message from a high school friend, a missed call and voicemail from another, it was weird, it had been a long time since I had heard from them, "Have you heard?" or "Did you hear?"  Walking across the shiny wooden floor, through the open double doors to the outer hall, outside to the courtyard.

Cooper in West Seattle
Big sliding door, wood framed twin bed on risers, dresser against the wall, closet in the niche behind my bed, chair next to door, poster "We Love you Alaina" hanging from my wall, books, in a laundry basket overturned next to my bed, white tubs sliding under my bed full of clothes, random music in the background, the elevator working and moving, smells like grease and Chinese food, sometimes chicken, my sisters voice, "Case!", my niece looking through the crack between my door and the wall, bricks, stairs, slanted skylights, green wet hill, cloudy blue sky, water droplets in the windows, tv on a hinge, plants creeping over the side of the leather couch, waking up to sid the science kid , my niece in a bumbo seat on the stainless steal table, food on her tray, avocadoes, tortillas, cottage cheese, no meat.

A second go of it.

Ten Secret Worlds No One Else Has Ever Been

1.In my bed at 4am when I have to get up at 5:30 and I keep checking Facebook and Catholic Match

2.In the back shoe room at Big 5 when the creepy guy who asked me out is shopping

3.On the lawn mower when I had a revelation about who I wanted to be

4.The basement floor after watching Warrior

5. After Mass in West Seattle during the longest 3 months

6. In the bedroom of our tiny cabin pretending to be asleep when 20 people are having a party

7. Around the fire during the Ocean trip

8. Driving home from a bad first date with the long haired Hawaiian

9.In a van with my team and supervisor driving home from Oregon

10. In the gym in Cali when I got the text that he was gone

Places I've Lived For Longer Than A Month

911 in Sunnyside 1-3?

1415 in Sunnyside 3?-18

15808 in Cowiche 18-19, 20-21, 23-24, 25

3515 in Yakima 19-20, 24-25

20th in Yakima 21

66th in Yakima 22-23

Cooper in West Seattle 23

Lincoln Ave In Yakima 26

911 in Yakima 26

+5

+4

+3

+2

+1

26

Creative Writing!

6 minutes of writing on the sunrise

The damp morning air was a welcome smell, replacing the dingy odor of the bathroom on the bottom floor. I much prefer fresh cut grass and dew to stale water in a multi-hued brown toilet bowl. The air was so good to my nostrils that it invigorated my whole being begging me to take a second look at life. As I turned my thoughts around I turned my shoulders as well to glance on the eastern horizon. It was Valentines day in the sky. Between the roof eves of the walkway and the fading creme of the brick wall was an arrow straight canvas of reds and pinks. Maybe my heart beat more alive because red is the color of love and pulsing blood or maybe the sun rising at such an hour that I should still be in bed gave me a reason to rise myself.

...and many more...

So it has been many days since the start of that crazy juice fast thing my family and I embarked upon. I wanted to write a recap blog after a bit to see how it had effected me but I also wanted to write a day 10 blog. All I have to say is...oops. I got a little busy with crazy family stuff and waiting on a couple babies to be born- still not here yet by the way. I can't be sure but on day 10 I think I drank some juice. Yeah probably did that. And then I am pretty darn sure that I ate a huge amount of food and felt very sick for a while. Then I drank some more juice. We (my friends and I) did a tropical mix- papaya, pineapple, mango, and kiwi- yum! We called it the contraction cocktail! (It didn't work) Also...Pineapple juice straight is amazing!

SO, why did I eat so much? Because it was there. And it was a party. And everyone else was eating. And there was so much good stuff. And I chose not to use self-control.

So how is it going many days later you ask (actually I don't care if you asked or not I am still gonna answer)? Well I would say good. Good even though I didn't juice today at all. I've gained a a few pounds back since I started eating again. I'm not upset about that. I expected that actually. The massive weight loss isn't really possible long term unless you juice long term and have lots of weight to lose. Plus a good majority of it is water weight- you drink, you pee- you drink, you pee. But it was a good jumpstart or detox from my fatty beach vacation.

The beauty of the juice cleanse isn't the weight loss-it is the shift in mindset. My family thinks about food a lot. We always have. I remember very vividly one day when one of my sisters and I were really bored and we laid on the floor in the dining room listing all the food we wanted to eat. We did that for like an hour straight. Gatherings are about the food. We think about food before bed. We think about what we are gonna eat after we work out. It's pretty much constant. Well, that hasn't changed. We still think about food all the time. But two things have changed- 1) we think about healthier food more and 2) we think about the choices we are going to make when it comes to eating. Yesterday we talked a lot about going to olive garden for dinner. I thought a lot about the ramifications of my actions and thought a lot about how I could just have a healthy option there. I chose to eat two plates of salad, two breadsticks and two bowls of pasta. If that sounds like a lot that is because it was. But I made that choice consciously. I thought about it. I was in control. Maybe it doesn't sound like it but I was. I didn't just sit there and mindlessly eat or accidentally stuff myself. And sadly stuffing myself on purpose is an improvement.

Okay here is some honesty for ya: I love me some excuses. The summer is very full of excuses. Once I got past the excitement of the 10 days and pushing myself to do something pretty crazy, I accepted a lot of excuses. And I guess I still kind of plan to. It is summer. There are parties and get-togethers and babies to bake cupcakes for and ice cream to eat while babysitting little kids. It's also why I sleep in and watch lots of smut tv. Its kind of fun. But to be honest I am really looking forward to school starting so that I can get back on schedule. It is my hope to juice one meal a day- probably breakfast. It is a great way to start the day. Tons of vitamins and all that! I will probably throw some Kale into the mix every now and then when I'm feeling a vegi-crave.

So bottom line- juice for health not for weight loss.

Think before you eat.

Juicing or eating healthy is expensive but much cheaper than hospital bills.

It's easier to do something if you just make up your mind to do it.

Self-control changes everything.

Support can move mountains.

Okay, I gotta go get some kids teeth brushed and say some more prayers to get that baby moving!

Days 8 and 9

Man, I really need to write each night so I can stop trying to recap two days.

My brother went home late night of day 7 so there has been a different vibe around the house. It's like trying to get back to normal life- like the adventure of the juicing has worn off. Now it's like a chore and hard work to fit in with what else we have going on. Day 8 We only got two juices in mixed with other food. I like to count mine as three because I took a jar of lunch juice with me to have later in the night. Today we have only juiced once and are trying to squeeze another in before bed. It's hard when it isn't your focus. My sister is trying to prepare her classroom for the start of school, I am trying to help Rachel prepare for the birth of her baby and the day just zooms past. I haven't been drinking enough water either. Shame on me.

So the deal with the juicing and living normal life is that it requires a lot of thinking ahead and planning. The first few days we just sat around and felt hungry and vaguely distracted until it was time to juice again. All of our thoughts were around juicing so we had everything we needed on hand and time to make each individual meal. But with normal life you run out of fruits and veggies and have to run to the store to make a juice. You have to juice early if you are going to be gone later or make extra and carry it with you in an ice chest or come home at meal times.

Don't get me wrong, I think juicing is a great thing. By saying that it gets hard I am not trying to discourage anyone. In fact it kind of encourages me. Pretty much everything worth while is hard. The struggle proves this is a lifestyle change. A conscious choice not a quick fix. We should struggle to make good choices in our life!

I have lots more to say about long term and short term effects of juicing and more on the juicing experience itself but I will save that for day 10 or a wrap up blog.

I gotta go throw some kale in the juicer and get my drink on!

Days 6 and 7

My bed.

That's where I am writing from. It's the only place I want to be. I'm so tired I could cry. Or maybe I'm so emotional I could cry. Or maybe I am so full I could cry. Maybe all three. I'm getting ahead of myself. This is the end of day 7. Let's not taint day 6 with another day's baggage.

Day 6...umm right day 6. Did I have a day 6? Where am I? Oh yeah. I woke up and drank some juice (any one sensing a pattern here?) then packed a bunch of fruit and veggies in an ice chest for the day. I stopped at the hospital to see my dad and then headed out to my friends to lend a hand. I spent a good part of the day pretty active, folding laundry, vacuuming, mopping, dishes, and putting together the bassinet for the baby. Being that active really made me notice how hungry and thirsty I was. I would eat a piece of fruit or some veggies between each activity. My stomach just kept growling. I swear I am more hungry eating and juicing than when I was just juicing. I juiced some lunch- my favorite- apple, pear, and carrot. Rachel even agreed it wasn't half bad. Dinner time rolled around and brace yourselves everybody- I ate. I had a bout a quarter of a baked potato, half a chicken breast and a bunch of green beans. I didn't have to eat meat. I could have stuck to veggies but I was interested in easing myself back into meat. I knew I was going to be having beef soon and didn't want that to be the first meat back into my diet. I made it 5 days just doing fruits and veggies....not bad I guess.

It was weird sitting at the table and eating a meal. It was a delicious. Rachel is a spectacular cook. But I didn't have the same feeling for the food as I was eating it. I guess that is good. No, probably great. They say this fast is supposed to retrain your pallet. I think it is retraining my brain. Breaking my attachment.

For a late night snack on day 6 Rachel had nachos. I had cooked zucchini.

Alright, day 7. I think the word of the day is letdown. No, I take that back. I had a great day. The word of the night is letdown. That is how I feel right now. Letdown. I feel the letdown after a big fun day. I feel the let down of expecting something that didn't happen (I guess babies don't just come because you want them to). I feel letdown by the way people can act. And I feel a little like I let myself down.

This morning I got up and juiced then went for a walk and lifted weights for a little bit. My friend was coming to get me for pedicures at 2 so I made the fastest green juice possible. Necessity really does push you to new heights. I had no idea I could put together the juicer, juice, and take it all apart in 5 mins. I also had no idea I could chug 16 ounces of spinach, apple, orange, carrot juice in 30 seconds. I spent the day shopping with the girls and then we headed to Rachel's baby shower. It just so happened to be at our favorite Mexican restaurant. Now here's the deal, I'm not letdown by the fact that I ate out or that I chose to eat what I ate. It was a calculated and conscious decision. But where I feel like I let myself down is in quantity. I didn't order tons of food- that was a good move- but I also didn't listen to my body- that was a bad move. When the food stopped tasting good I kept eating. When I could feel my stomach getting full I kept eating. I just wanted to clear my plate and move on. It wasn't mindless per say, it was more like I chose not to look at what I was doing. I feel very full and I really don't like that feeling. I wish I would have made a better choice.

So somewhere in there is a juicing life lesson. You know how they say that you shouldn't just sit around and let life happen to you? Well I think food is the same way. Don't just let food happen to you. You could wake up one day and not know how you got to 40 or wake up one day and not know how you got to 400lbs. It's all about the actions- the choices-being alert to what you are doing.

I don't know, I don't think I'm making very much sense tonight. Maybe I had too much beef and not enough juice. Or maybe I just need to go to bed.

Oh yeah, my family told me I was the biggest loser tonight at 12 lbs in 6 days. My sister said she always knew I was the biggest loser in the family. I think I might be offended if I was more alert.

High 5!

Yes day 5. 5 more days of juicing? I think so. It's gross. And a chore. But I can do it. My stomach feels a little funny right now. We just drank a nasty juice full of Italian kale. Not my fave. But then we rewarded ourselves with a piece of fresh pineapple. I think my tummy is trying to adjust to eating and drinking.

So this morning I laid in bed (which felt amazing- like more so than normal-I love my bed right now) and I was having a hard time with my thoughts. When I thought about being hungry I gagged a little. I could smell and taste the juice just thinking about it. It's just so frothy and stinky. We had our breakfast juices which were fine- I just don't think I am a fan of grapes in my juice because you get some skin in there- too chunky! I tried to climb back on the exercise wagon this morning. I did about a 4 mile walk. It was such a nice day- not too hot and a slight breeze. Heading back towards home I started to feel the fact that I was really hungry. I started to panic for a minute thinking that I couldn't possibly have enough nutrients to get me home. Then I reasoned with myself and decided that if it got bad I could call my siblings and get a ride and they could bring me something to eat. First thought in my head-a roll. White bread roll. Sugary and yummy roll. But then I realized I would only get fruits, veggies, or (gag) juice. So I decided to make it home on my own.

I ate half an onion baked with zucchini squash. and then ran some errands with the fam. We didn't get home until like 5pm. Note to self: 1 juice and a tiny amount of cooked veggies is not enough for a whole day. So we juiced when we got home and then ate some salad. Then I laid around feeling kind of tired. Today was kind of a tired and sore day. Maybe this was my day 3. My brother is having a super duper day 3. I think he is taking an Epsom salt bath right now because he aches so bad. Google says he is in deep detox.

I have to race like a pee horse -Pause- back. Was that vulgar? I guess I figure since I talk about my poop- which was colorful and large today- then pee should be fine.

Anyways...as of this morning I have lost 12 pounds. Weird. My mom has lost 10.

Oh yeah! 3 other people have started juicing for health since we started this! Yay for changing the world around you! Now if I could just get my dad to juice maybe he can get out of the hospital that he hates.

Guess what!? I have a treat for you all!- Pictures!

This is our juicer.Beet juiceJuicing some kale...grossTaste the rainbow!Lunch!

Cheers!

The aftermath- lots of pulp.It sets up in the fridge- shake first then drink.

This is what our kitchen is like now! I should have taken a picture of the fridge! No one in our family would ever recognize it!

Well, I hope you enjoyed and were relieved by the fact I didn't put any poop pictures up.

Goodnight!

Days 3 and 4

Yesterday was day 3. Hell day. Well, that is what they say. Everyone was telling us just make it through day 3 and you will be fine. Well it came. I saw. I conquered. It really didn't feel that bad. I was hungry of course. I had some intestinal pain in the morning. But other than that I was good. Juice isn't tasting so bad anymore- the problem is the texture and smell. I don't want to put that in my mouth anymore. I just went extra hungry last night because I didn't want to drink a 4th juice. Last night there was also a little bit of torture. I went to my friends later hoping they would be done with dinner but no... no such luck. They were making these amazing sandwiches with hard salami, pesto, and provolone on special bread. After baking it looked gooey and delicious. I learned a lot about myself while I watched them eat- more on that later. I also learned that pesto is my new favorite smell and that costco cookies smell as good as I remember them tasting. (so do chocolate covered almonds) -PAUSE- THERE IS A MINER BURGER SITTING ON MY TABLE RIGHT NOW, THIS ISN'T EVEN COOL! AHHHH!-

Okay, I am fine.

I didn't poop at all yesterday. That was sad. Today my poop was very colorful but not much of it. Lame. So I had my first unjuiced food today. And no it wasn't the Miner burger. And before you mutiny against this hypocritical blog let me explain. We started out wanting to do ten days because that is what the movie talked about. Then we did some more research and found that ten days isn't right for everyone. The people who did ten days were very unhealthy or combating big health problems. And after taking a self-assessment I found that I should be doing a diet that is mixed with fresh eating too. Part of me really wanted to go the 5 days without any food just because I said I would. I went back and forth in my head about whether that was me wanting to stick to my word or just being proud. I think it is pride. So I ate today. I ate 4 cherry tomatoes, one blackberry, 3 blueberries, and a handful of snap-peas with hummus. And I juiced twice today. I'm hungry of course but I feel just fine. We were supposed to eat dinner some beet dinner thing my brother was gonna make but they cracked and ate miners so I don't know what I'll do.

This morning I drank my breakfast juice and mowed for 5 hours. There were two bad things about mowing. 1) I had to pee all the time which meant stopping and going into the house. 2) The fresh cut grass smelled exactly like the juice we have been drinking tastes. I was mowing along and caught off guard by my past meals...it was not pleasant.

I've lost 9 pounds since Thursday night. That is weird. I feel healthy and peaceful.

Okay so lessons learned or pondered...

Self control is awesome. I love exerting it. It is so important! Everybody should practice it- no really practice it- like make a goal and then force yourself to achieve it. It feels great and prepares you for later in life. I know some people that have struggled to have self control their whole lives and because of that have made a mess of it. Start small and big won't seem so big later on!

Okay I am off my soapbox.

I also learned how mindlessly I eat. Several times last night I had to mentally check myself because I wanted to reach for food without consciously thinking about it. I wanted to pop Cherry tomatoes in my mouth, chew on the piece of salami that Rachel didn't use, and peel off the melted cheese from the tin foil. It was kind of surreal to stop yourself from doing something before you even knew you were gonna do it.

I like to eat and eat and eat until I am stuffed. I don't like moderation much. I counted out the food I ate today because I really wanted to just take the whole bowl of hummus and the bag of peas to the living room and eat until it was gone. When I was little I didn't really understand being full. I used to eat until I was sick. I had no idea that you were supposed to stop before that. I used to eat whole miner burgers and fries and a milkshake at ten- no ten year old girl should be able to do that. I can't believe I didn't weigh 300lbs!

Lastly I recognized a food issue I have. I think I inherited it from my food hoarding father. I was sitting at the table watching my friends eat their delicious sandwiches and found myself thinking stupid thoughts like "They'll never have those sandwiches again, or those cookies. This was my one chance to eat it and I am missing out." Wow. That is a giant lie and really sick thinking. That is how I am though. I am afraid of missing out on something. As a kid of course I wanted to be first in line to eat because I was impatient but also because I was afraid the good stuff would be gone. Even as an adult I want to put lots of something good on my plate in case there is none left for seconds. I never end up finishing what I have. It is a really sick attachment because I have never gone without food. And more than that I live in a country where I can hop in my car and drive a block to any grocery store and get whatever the heck I want anytime I want. Man.

Right now I feel like I am breathing life in deep and slow. I'll eat or I won't. I'll be okay.

Man this juice fast is pretty cool.

Day two

I am gonna try to write this one faster than last nights because I really want to go to bed. Not only am I sleepy tired, but I am tired of feeling hungry.

So last night I was still feeling a little shy but the hunger has gotten rid of that...so POOP WARNING! The next few sentences are not for the prude of heart. Last night while I was writing I had a little gas. I was sitting cross legged in a big chair and so the smell kind of wafted up. Let me tell you, this diet is dangerous. I almost passed out from my own stench. I am not sure I have ever smelled anything so rank and raw. Nasty...I know. On a possibly grosser but funnier note, someone in my family had an accident today. I won't name any names but she may have given birth to me. I came out of the bathroom to hear her laughing at herself. She had some gas that apparently wasn't just gas. Let's just say it was wet and runny and not urine. She had to do some floor cleaning and laundry after that incident.

Okay, I am done with the poop and fart talk. Or am I? It is really hard to tell with this diet.

Anyways, breakfast was of course pretty yummy. Fruits always are. I slept in as late as I could...well I could have slept in longer but my brother who couldn't sleep past 8 was texting me to get up.

Lunch was nasty. We tried something called mean green and as it sounds it was very green and having to drink it made me very mean. It was really tough to choke down. Especially the frothy part. Who wants to drink green froth? I don't think there will ever be a market for kale froth.

Dinner wasn't bad. It was mostly carrots and spinach. I also learned that chugging the juice is a technique that I am torn about. On the one hand you finish before you realize how much you hate it, but on the other hand the feeling of that thick of a beverage in my stomach so quickly isn't something I am fond of.

Realizations of the day:

Commercials suck.

Visiting your father in the hospital is okay as long as you leave before the dinner tray arrives.

My families mood swings complement eachother...most of the time. When one is ready to quit the others talk him or her off the ledge. The downside is that someone is always threatening and always crabby.

Going to the movies is a bad idea when the person in front of you has a large bag of buttery warm popcorn and is sitting so close that the smell reminds you of how great it tasted a week ago when you had some.

And lastly, if you say you hope you don't dream about something you probably will. Last night I dreamed about juicing and about real food. In the dreams I kept trying to juice things you can't juice like bananas and avocado. Somehow after pulling them out of the juicer they would end up in my mouth and I would have to scrape the food off my tongue and spit it in the garbage before my family realized I had cheated.

Sometimes I am amazed by my brains over-activity.

Well that's it I think.

Goodnight and happy eating. (which btw I hate you all for)

Brave or stupid?

It's funny how your perspective can change so quickly. A week ago I got incredibly excited every time I felt hungry- that meant I got to eat. This week I cringe when my stomach growls because I dread my next meal. Yesterday I thought a juice cleanse was a great idea. Today I want to eat a loaf of french bread- by myself- right now. This morning I thought my juice meal tasted pretty darn good. Tonight I gag when I think about liquids. Yeah, things change pretty quickly.

Rewind a bit...

My brother watched this documentary called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." It was about a dude who went on a juice fast for 60 days in effort to cure himself of his obesity and autoimmune disease. It worked. My brother sent us a text raving about it and now about a month later we are actually doing it. Well, attempting to do it.

The goal is a 10 day juice cleanse. We juice fresh fruits and vegetables each day for all of our meals. That's it. Just frothy juice. No chewing. (I miss chewing)

Why?

Well according to the website: "When we take in fresh fruits and vegetables in live form, because of the high enzyme and alkaline content, the body will begin to release toxins that have been lodged in the cells." Some of my family is also looking to lose weight with this cleanse but my main goal is to get rid of all the crap (no really, literally crap) that is stored in my poor lengthy intestines. If you don't already know this about me, I have a hard time pooping. I'm what you call irregular. Sometimes I get on a good schedule with my life and my bowels move pretty smoothly but the slightest change or trip or extended stay in a public place and it's like someone shoved a cork in my hind-end. I once went 9 days without a good release. Sick I know.

So that is the goal. But it isn't an easy road. The website goes on to say: "Once this happens, a cleansing response can occur, which range in headaches, dizziness, sore muscles, fatigue, nausea, low-grade fevers, runny nose or coughing, mood-swings. We are cleansed ONLY when the trapped matter LEAVES the system." Sounds like a party right? Ya know, I am not too worried about those things though. I've lived through feeling crummy many times before. I'm Catholic, I've fasted and been hungry. But I still think this is going to be the biggest test of my will and self-control that I have ever agreed to. I've given up certain things for amounts of time before. But I have always had a good substitute. When I give up sweets I have fruits to eat. When I give up meat I have, well, everything else to eat. But giving up eating and replacing it with drinking- not the best substitute.

Here's the deal. I love food. I mean I really really love food. I love the taste, taking bites, chewing, savoring, smelling and yes, talking about food. Juicing it all up and drinking it through a straw just feels like a grave injustice to the beauty that is food. Sick I know. I love food.

A few highlights...or lowlights from the start of this adventure:

On day 1 we bought our produce from a couple fruit stands and a grocery store that sells local foods. Then we went to Black Angus. I had steak, shrimp, ribs, potato skins, 3 cheese bread, fried zucchini, two kinds of salads, and molasses bread. It was amazing. (The memory haunts me)

On day 2 we actually started so for all intents and purposes this was day 1.

On the real day 1 we took the juicer out of the box and made a yummy liquid breakfast of apples, pears, carrots, and ginger. Then we made a list of all the things we were going to get accomplished during our cleanse.

Then we all promptly took large bowl movements.

We tried to substitute one addiction (food) for another (shopping). It didn't work too well because everywhere we ended up going had a grocery section to tease us.

Lunch was a mixture of pretty much every fruit and veggie under the sun. It resembled Barney in a blender. I choked it down because I was starving.

Dinner was basically Gazpacho juice. The first sip tasted pretty good. The last sip was truly muscled down.

I went to a dinner party and watched my friends eat steak and snack on crackers with fancy cheese. The highlight of the party- smelling Jake's BBQ smelling hands. Twice. YUM!

My dad called to tell us he is in the hospital again. Going to see him nearly drove my sister and brother to eat. It doesn't help that the cafeteria at Memorial hospital has always been a family favorite for their Clam Chowder, salad bar and fresh rolls.

I went out to some other friends house later in the night thinking it would be a good distraction. Little did I know the cop show we would watch starred a cop who never stopped eating delicious sandwiches. Okay, they may not have been delicious but at this point who cares!

My sweet and loving cousin also decided to eat dinner very late...chicken sausage stuffed with everything amazing including cheese. He let me smell that too though.

Mary was right, smelling food is almost like eating it. I had several large helpings of chocolate ice cream scent. Thanks Rachel.

Now it is almost 1am on real day two. I am hungry and have a headache. I also feel a little like I need to poop. Instead I am gonna go to bed and pray I don't dream about real food or have nightmares about their juices.

Stay tuned for more updates...

In my automobile...

“I wish I had a teleportation device.” I am ashamed to admit that it was I who muttered that phrase just the other day. Why? Well, because I had 140 miles of travel ahead of me and was not looking forward to it. One hundred forty miles: That doesn’t seem like much anymore. In fact it took me just about two hours from doorway to doorway. Two hours is nothing. Two hours is a movie, four television shows, a fancy dinner out, or half a school day. So why was I complaining? I complained because the automobile has completely changed America’s concept of time.

When we were asked to write this essay, I didn’t have much personal experience to draw from. I have never known what it is like to not have a car. I’ve never wanted for gasoline or tires. When and where I needed to go, I went. I grew up in a two or three car family. With each new licensed family member came a convenient way to get them where they needed to be. So, I knew I wouldn’t have a problem writing about life WITH a car but what about life without one? I decided to do some personal experimentation. I decided not to use my car sometimes (please hold your applause). As I write, I have four car-free (or relatively free) days under my belt. Today should have been my fifth but it was supposed to rain and I didn’t want to have soggy stuff when I arrived. Looking back at my decision making of early this morning I see more clearly other options, like wearing my bag under my waterproof coat or putting a garbage sack over my bag. But, at 6am I only saw two: walk and get wet or drive and stay dry. And just to be clear, it hasn’t rained at all yet.

Day 1: I left my house at 6:45am. I figured it couldn’t take longer than an hour and a half to get to school. I embraced modern technology and Google Map searched the route to see how far it was, and they estimated a walking time of 48 minutes. It actually ended up taking me 45 minutes, and once I jaywalked from my side street to Lincoln Ave, I had sidewalk the entire trip. It felt good to start my day with a brisk walk. I was a little overheated but I had an hour to cool down before my first class started. I read a book. After school I walked home a different path. I wanted to avoid main streets in the daytime because I don’t really like people all around me. I cut through Franklin Park and followed smaller streets from the Historic Chestnut district up to Lincoln and 35^th. I was blown away by all the beautiful houses I never knew we always had. For some, it was the meticulously manicured manors that caught my eye, others, the picturesque paint job, and still others, the sheer charisma and character of the quarters. It took me longer to get back home. It was uphill most of the way and I stopped several times to catch my breath when the combination of self-propulsion, fresh air, and beauty took it away. I told some of my friends and family that I had walked to school. I was so proud of the 5.2 mile roundtrip that I had made without the aid of wheels or an engine. Mostly, I was proud because I knew I could and I did. My mind always wonders things like: If you can, why don’t you? My first day walking was a pride builder in so many ways.

Day 2: On Tuesday mornings I play basketball with a group of older men from my church. It starts at 6am and is held at the gym 21 blocks away, so I drove. Rather than looking at that as a failure, I saw it as a necessary exception. I did rush home after, get ready, and walk down Lincoln to the Medical clinic for my friends’ appointment. I beat them to the door even though they drove past me. I didn’t have to put anything in park, unbuckle, or turn a key. I found out my Godchild is going to be a girl and then I grabbed my backpack and headed the rest of the way to school. The trip home this day was unremarkable from the previous trip which is to say it was incredibly remarkable. It is amazing what you can see when you open your eyes. And it is amazing what you can think and feel when you give your brain the time to process the stimuli coming in.

Day 3: This was the day I got my timing down. I knew how long it would take me and slept in accordingly. It was going to be a big day. As I made my way to school I passed through the Albertsons parking lot as usual. A random guy asked if I wanted a ride to school. I’m not sure how he knew I was going to school and I’m not sure why he thought it was okay to offer me a ride. This might be why my sister asked me to text her when I made it to school safely that first day I walked. After school, I had to walk to my Dad’s house to do some cleaning. He lives somewhere around Chestnut and 50-something. It was nice to see some new road. I passed a lady working in her raised beds right off a busy street. I really wanted to stop and ask her what she was growing. I had hoped it was all sorts of yummy vegetables. I walked past, shuffled back a few steps but then turned and kept going. I was too chicken to ask and I didn’t want to seem creepy. But more power to her! After working at my dads I walked a few more blocks to church for Good Friday Stations of the Cross. Then I began the little over two mile journey home. Around 6pm I got my walking shoes back on and repeated my previous journey only in reverse. I started walking crabby and having a headache but by the time I got to the church I was just tired. It was that good kind of tired though. The kind you feel happy to feel because you just walked 10miles that day. And I was indeed happy to feel it. I had my niece pick me up after the service though because it was dark out. This is still Yakima I live in.

Day 4: The trip to and from school is easy now. I stopped in the park on the way home to pray and chat on the phone with my boyfriend. I also started looking at people’s faces as they drive past. I was happy to see that some people look very happy. Some, however, look like I need to get out of their way or they will run me down, especially in their crosswalk (and don’t bother trying to tell them the crosswalk is for the pedestrians or that pedestrians have the right of way- it just won’t get through). Around 3:30, some friends from out of town got a hold of me and wanted to hang out for a bit. I had to be home before 5pm to baby-sit for my sister so we had a small window to work with. They asked me to join them at Northtown. I told them I wasn’t driving my car today. We tried to think of a closer place to meet but it would be tough to walk anywhere and back by five and still get to actually hang out. They said that could pick me up but that didn’t work out, so I didn’t go. I did homework and read instead.

Day 5: (I took a break in my writing and by the time I started again I had a day five to chronicle) I took my time walking this morning. I walked a new path and meandered through the Gilbert Place neighborhood. When I got to that giant mansion of a house near 16^th I stopped and starred and dreamed. I ran into a fellow student at the crosswalk on Tieton. I recognized him as one of the guys I usually see riding his bike to school. We chatted briefly about how he had gotten a flat but that today was a beautiful day to hoof it anyways. When the walk signal came on he jogged away. I still took my time. I ended up at class six minutes late. I didn’t care. My teacher didn’t seem to care either. I think deep down he knows that he is teaching us things we learned in middle school. It got windy on the trip home but I was unfazed. You know, I am really starting to value my walking time.

Time itself doesn’t change. An hour is still 60 minutes. A day is still 24 hours. But, what I learned about time from our conversations in class, the book, and my own “hands-on” research is that our idea of time is not the same as it ever was or as it will be in the future. Maybe, like beauty, time is in the eye of the beholder.

I noticed many interesting things surrounding time. Some are small things, like the time it takes to walk across the crosswalk. I noticed that you never have enough time. The drivers in cars look at you like you are a snail even when you are speed-walking across to accommodate them. Even the little green or yellow walking figure that appears on the signal only lasts about a quarter of the time it takes to cross. I can’t tell you how many times I have found myself in the middle of the road while the crosswalk signal is putting up a big red hand telling me to stop. Why is the time to cross so short? My guess: to accommodate the automobile. Besides, nobody really uses crosswalks anyways; everyone has a car to drive somewhere.

I also noticed that because of the automobile, we are able to do more with our time. We can go places we couldn’t go in a day before. We can check more things off of our list in one day. We can be more productive if we need to be. In 1909 it took 20 days to drive across the US. Today it takes 36 hours. You gave us that statistic in class. But, what does that mean to people who don’t have to travel across the nation? Well it means that if you can traverse the country in 36 hours then you can do just about anything in a day. It means you can make it to work in another town in 30 minutes. It means you can make it to the doctors in 20 minutes, roundtrip to the store in 15minutes and you could even have a McDonald’s cheeseburger in your mouth in less than 10minutes. In fact, you can do all those things in one day -twice! When I drive to school it takes me literally 5-7minutes depending on traffic and school zones. When I walk it takes me 45minutes. That means that when I drive I have nearly 40 more minutes to sleep, eat, sit in a bubble bath, read, pray, talk to my family or anything else I wish to do. But usually, I fill those 40minutes with something. Just something. Not even anything that I can specifically remember. In fact, I usually end up feeling rushed as I hustle out the door. When I use those 40minutes to walk to school, I know exactly what I am doing. For that amount of time, I am living on purpose. I am walking to school. I am looking at houses. I am thinking about my day and my life. I said we could be more productive if we need to be. What we need to remember though, is that the automobile can gift us with time, but it can also steal from us the value of that time.

So I guess I also noticed that the automobile can be a thief. Our value of time is not the only thing it can steal. It can steal from us our health. We are one of the most obese countries and Yakima has been listed as one of the fattest cities. The only exercise some get is from the front door to the car door and with garages, even that is minimal. It can steal our money. It costs $40 to fill your tank every week. It needs new tires, and washing, and changing. The automobile steals money like a metal and rubber child that can’t love you in return. It can steal our pride. “Wow, look at that car, it’s bigger, better, cooler, sexier, smarter, and so is the person driving it.” As that video showed us, research makes sure we feel this way. Finally, cars can steal that time they give us right back from underneath us. The average American spends 70hours a year in traffic. That is nearly two weeks of vacation time stolen from you in little 20minutes increments each day. But, as Americans, we love the car so we keep letting it rob us blind.

I also learned about my own feelings regarding time. I have to make time to take time. I have to say to myself, “Self, don’t be so rushed or try to cram so many things in.” When I read that part in the book where they didn’t go out and do things because it was raining or the part where they had a lazy holiday because they didn’t hop on a plane or train to travel, I was envious. During lent, one of the things I gave up was television. I started doing new things to fill my time. I read books, walked while listening to books on tape, took naps, and even put together puzzles. As lent ended I was excited to get to watch TV again but then a quick thought entered me mind, “how will I have time to do those other things with all the TV watching I do.” It’s not the same thing but it is very similar. Even if I don’t consciously think it, I must love the idea of the automobile and time not controlling me. Sometimes when we think we are exercising freedom we are actually chaining ourselves to something else.

The automobile has most definitely changed our idea of time. Some of those changes are good and productive and some are less than ideal. Sometimes we feel more freedom because of our car, and sometimes we feel more oppressed. I don’t know for sure if it is bad that we have let the automobile change our idea of time, but I do think that it could be very bad for our culture if we don’t change our ideas about the automobile.

The walkers lament.

I've walked around all morning looking like I'm crying.
Maybe I am.
Wait that is Johnny Cash's line. I am wearing a black sweatshirt and black hat. Maybe I'm channeling his spirit.
Okay so the cry-looking eyes don't have anything to do with anything really except that as I type I keep being reminded of them by the burning and the sniffing. Why do dripping eyes always have to bring along the dripping nose? Sniff Sniff. Oh well.
So, my new hobby- when I walk places I like to look at the faces of the drivers as they pass by. The best is when I'm using the crosswalk and I get to see the drivers faces who are trying to make a right hand turn. Their eyes glare at me as if to say: "Who has the audacity to step foot in my road?" And then the second they think they can get around me without clipping me, they zoom past. I shrug a little once I reach the safety of the sidewalk. I feel a little bad that I ruined their day like that. But mostly I feel extremely overjoyed for them knowing that the worst part of their day is a 5 second pause to let me across the street. Their life must be something spectacular!
If you ever find yourself enraged by the person keeping you from the beloved right hand turn, then stop, and smile. Life is grand! No boss will yell at you today! No child will enter a battle of wills against you! No car accidents! No war! No world hunger! Have no fear because the worst part of your day today is little ol' me! I almost feel like a super hero! Environmentalist are right- walking to school really is saving the world.
One more thing on the topic of walking. I think I am going to start working on a patent for a new invention. It's similar to a catapult. When you press the little button at the corner that lets the mainframe know a pedestrian needs to cross, the catapult would engage. Once the little lighted man appeared on the sign across the street, the catch would release sending the people soaring to the other side. I know what you are thinking...there must be all sorts of liabilities to sort out what with all the people flying through the air willy-nilly like that just to land on concrete. But I'm sure congress can sort that out. Maybe a foam pit at each street corner.
Yes, my invention would have to be extremely accurate for that to work. And I would need to account for the brittle bones of old people and the metal gears of the riders' bikes that may become lodged in another's ribs or skull. Maybe the government can handle that one too. Like laws about who can use the cross walks and maybe even a licensing process. Everyone who wants to walk would have to prove themselves fit enough to cross the street and vow to do so unencumbered.
This must all seem like a lot of work but really, this is the only solution I can see to the pressing problem of crosswalk crossing time. Sure, we could just make the time the little walking figure appears longer and keep the red stop walking hand at bay say...oh I dunno, a reasonable amount of time for an average individual without super human speed to get atleast most of the way across the street. But come on, that sounds too easy and logical. Which probably means it would never work.
I bet the right hand turning drivers would like the catapult idea as well. Not only would it get them past quicker, but it would be like a fun arcade game- trying to avoid the flying pedestrian from splatting on your windshield.
The more I think about this, the more scientifically complex it sounds. And boy do I hate science. I guess it's back to the drawing board.