The walkers lament.

I've walked around all morning looking like I'm crying.
Maybe I am.
Wait that is Johnny Cash's line. I am wearing a black sweatshirt and black hat. Maybe I'm channeling his spirit.
Okay so the cry-looking eyes don't have anything to do with anything really except that as I type I keep being reminded of them by the burning and the sniffing. Why do dripping eyes always have to bring along the dripping nose? Sniff Sniff. Oh well.
So, my new hobby- when I walk places I like to look at the faces of the drivers as they pass by. The best is when I'm using the crosswalk and I get to see the drivers faces who are trying to make a right hand turn. Their eyes glare at me as if to say: "Who has the audacity to step foot in my road?" And then the second they think they can get around me without clipping me, they zoom past. I shrug a little once I reach the safety of the sidewalk. I feel a little bad that I ruined their day like that. But mostly I feel extremely overjoyed for them knowing that the worst part of their day is a 5 second pause to let me across the street. Their life must be something spectacular!
If you ever find yourself enraged by the person keeping you from the beloved right hand turn, then stop, and smile. Life is grand! No boss will yell at you today! No child will enter a battle of wills against you! No car accidents! No war! No world hunger! Have no fear because the worst part of your day today is little ol' me! I almost feel like a super hero! Environmentalist are right- walking to school really is saving the world.
One more thing on the topic of walking. I think I am going to start working on a patent for a new invention. It's similar to a catapult. When you press the little button at the corner that lets the mainframe know a pedestrian needs to cross, the catapult would engage. Once the little lighted man appeared on the sign across the street, the catch would release sending the people soaring to the other side. I know what you are thinking...there must be all sorts of liabilities to sort out what with all the people flying through the air willy-nilly like that just to land on concrete. But I'm sure congress can sort that out. Maybe a foam pit at each street corner.
Yes, my invention would have to be extremely accurate for that to work. And I would need to account for the brittle bones of old people and the metal gears of the riders' bikes that may become lodged in another's ribs or skull. Maybe the government can handle that one too. Like laws about who can use the cross walks and maybe even a licensing process. Everyone who wants to walk would have to prove themselves fit enough to cross the street and vow to do so unencumbered.
This must all seem like a lot of work but really, this is the only solution I can see to the pressing problem of crosswalk crossing time. Sure, we could just make the time the little walking figure appears longer and keep the red stop walking hand at bay say...oh I dunno, a reasonable amount of time for an average individual without super human speed to get atleast most of the way across the street. But come on, that sounds too easy and logical. Which probably means it would never work.
I bet the right hand turning drivers would like the catapult idea as well. Not only would it get them past quicker, but it would be like a fun arcade game- trying to avoid the flying pedestrian from splatting on your windshield.
The more I think about this, the more scientifically complex it sounds. And boy do I hate science. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

I get around...

Today marked the third day that I have made the 2.6 mile walk to school in the morning. It takes right around 45minutes from my front door to the front door of the Haven ministry house (across the street from the campus). Why am I walking to school? I wish it was for more noble reasons like trying to save the planet or in support of those who cannot afford vehicles-perhaps those in third world countries who walk miles everyday simply to access clean drinking water. But, those of you who know me, probably know that isn't true. Hopefully you know that isn't true because I'm a complicated woman kind of human being who rarely does anything for one single good reason and not because I'm a selfish jerk (please say I'm not a selfish jerk). I guess I could be a selfish jerk- that is kind of the point of this whole blog thing right- to write about myself and in order to make it funny let my flesh-ripping sarcasm shine through.
Anyways, back to me (wow I can't get away from this selfish thing can I ((my sisters where right(((nobody tell them that please))).
So walking to school- right walking. Why have I been walking? Well, I decided to walk to school once just to see if I could do it. I had been reading about that family in NYC who gave up mechanised transportation and thought it sounded like a challenge. And because I am highly competitive- yes, even with myself- I decided to give it a try. I left the house super early because I had no idea how long it would actually take me to make the trek- google maps gives you an estimate but -brace yourselves for this- sometimes technology is wrong. I ended up about 45minutes early for school so I read a book and tried to get myself to not stink of sweat and outside. Even though it is somewhat cool and brisk in the morning I end up sweating by the time I get where I am going. And it is that annoying kind of sweat where you are hot and cold at the same time. I think cold sweat might even smell worse than hot sweat- or maybe it just makes you more self conscious because you think you shouldn't be sweating or maybe I am just thinking about this too much- that could be true too. The walk home that first day was the best and worse part. It was slower paced because I wasn't trying to be anywhere at any certain time so I could really have a chance to take in the scene around me. I had no idea there were such beautiful houses in Yakima. Some newer construction and others old with wonderful upkeep. I just love looking at unique houses! It was also sunny. Sunny is nice but that made is warmer and that made me sweat even more. It is also uphill the whole way home....more sweat. But overall, I was extremely proud of myself for meeting the challenge and doing something I thought I could.
The second time was a different story. This time I was walking because I knew I could and thought I should. If I can get to school and not use my car then I probably should-sometimes. Not only does it save me money and provide over 5 miles of fat burning cardio round trip, it is better for the environment that I call home. So I walked out of determination and a little bit of guilt.
Mostly I just remember thinking, "Wow this is taking forever!" Okay, that is a lie I also did stop dead in my tracks two times in awe of a couple different properties I passed. One was this old white faded brick house that looked like it belonged on an old hilly street in Seattle. It had this amazing deck with those paper lantern lights hung all over yet avoiding the tacky look. I envied their entertaining capabilities. The second was a modest house that had a meticulously manicured tree growing up the front wall and perfectly placed around the windows of both stories. It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen. But other than that, walking was just taking forever. I was tired and I wanted to be home.
That was Tuesday. Since then I have been going back and forth in my head about walking again. I think I should keep it up at least until I finish writing my paper for Humanities about the affect of the automobile on American culture, but I am also searching for reasons why I absolutely need my car. Why would I need my car- how about the value of my time and the things I need to do? I wrestled with that until last night and then still being undecided, I turned to my adventurous and competitive side to make the decision. I need to go to my dads after school to clean and I need to make it to Stations of the cross at 3 and back for Good Friday services at 7. Can I do that all without my car? Can I go one day of somewhat normal activities without my car? Is that a challenge I smell (or my armpits((sorry, maybe this is why people are shocked when I tell them I am 25- perhaps my humor suggests a little boy))? So challenge it is and challenge myself I shall!
This time I know how long it will take me and wake up with just barely enough time to shower, throw some food in my mouth and blow dry my hair so it doesn't look like a twisty mess all day. I ditch my backpack because even though I am taking 17 credits, I apparently have no need of any of the books I bought or even my brain- maybe I should leave that at home today too.
I head down then up, then back down the little hills surrounding my house and start the Rosary as I walk. When I get to Albertsons (the half way point) I see a motorcycle cop and some guy at the pump makes a comment in my general direction. I didn't hear him and mumbled, "huh?" Apparently he thought that was an agreeing response to whatever he said because he laughed and asked me if I was going to school. I am a little creeped out but before I put that title on the feelings, my mouth is already responding to him: "Yeah." As he asks if I want I ride I silently chastise myself for not answering with something like, "No, I am heading to see my big strong boyfriend who carries a gun," or "No, I'm with that cop over there," or "No, I am actually a scary man under these clothes who will kick your you-know-what if you try anything you big creep." But because I am distracted by my inner monologue my mouth answers for me again: "Nah, I'm doing this for exercise, thanks though." I guess that is much nicer- hopefully not too nice. Luckily my feet weren't involved in any of this. They just kept minding their own business putting one in front of the other so I am pretty far away now as he mutters something else. In less then a minute I get back onto a main road feeling very relieved, a little stupid, and slightly helpless. The guy from the pump drives past and honks. I raise a hand in recognition and I spend the rest of the walk to school hoping that I know that guy from one of my classes and not from a poster or the bottom corner of the newspaper where the crime stopper ads are. And then before I know it I am at the school.
This challenge/project/environmental duty really is proving to be a challenge, even in Yakima- or maybe especially in Yakima. I hope the rest of the day is less eventful.

Who we are today...

So I wrote this for my pop-culture class. We discuss a lot in class and have been reading the book No Impact Man- a self proclaimed liberal book about a family trying to live as environmentally friendly as possible in the middle of NYC. Luckily my teacher doesn't care about grammar or any of that- all he wants are my thoughts and I have many of those to give.

It is very easy to place a label on a person or group of people. It is however, a heck-of-a-lot harder to be accurate with that label. I have heard it said so many times that Americans are lazy, selfish and uncaring. I don’t believe any of those things are true to the nature of most Americans. I think Americans are hard-working, self-motivated, and very giving. But I do believe we as a culture suffer from a rather large problem. We go through life wearing blinders.

When my sister played basketball in High School, her coach gave her these special glasses to wear that blinded the bottom half of her vision. When she was wearing them she was forced to look up at the players around her and where it was she was going instead of focusing on her feet or the ground in front of her. This worked wonders for her ability to find the open teammate, fake out her opponent and dribble flawlessly with ease. Being my cool big sister, I would watch her practice. I never saw her trip and fall while wearing those glasses but I still wondered: What would happen if her shoe-lace came untied, or a twig fell in the driveway under her feet and she couldn’t see the potential danger? When she was only wearing those basketball blinders for 30 minutes of practice, it was a long shot that anything tragic would actually happen. But imagine wearing those all day- everyday- walking down the street, in a crowded mall, while doing your homework, watching TV, or trying to eat. It seems the blinders worked wonders in relation to basketball when worn during practice but might severely inhibit other essential activities.

This is how I see many Americans today- myself included. We put on blinders to help us focus- to achieve a task but we never take them off. We see fathers wearing work blinders at home, politicians wearing money blinders when talking to the needy, and individuals wearing success blinders while trying to measure their worth. We may not be forced to wear these blinders but we may not see the alternative. There might not be a gun to our heads demanding negligence to all the rest but it might feel like it most times.

There are three main things I think these blinders do that I would like to dissect. First off, I think these blinders keep us looking at the big problem and not our part in it. When we discussed this a little in class I brought up the idea of personal responsibility. Where has it gone? This is one of the ways the book convicts me. Colin continually points out that his eco footprint is less than 1% of 1% of the problem (not his words but mine) yet he embarks on the project anyway. One man. One woman. One kid. One dog. Each living the life they think is good and right. Despite the hardships. Despite the looks and comments. That is what I call personal responsibility. Just because one person cannot fix the problem- whatever the problem may be- doesn’t mean that person should add to it again and again, day after day. The book also talks about what I call the blame game. We as Americans tend to be excellent at sitting back and complaining about problems. We are even pretty decent at throwing out half-hearted, half-assed solutions. But we are absolutely terrible at writing letters, signing petitions or heaven forbid- talking to someone productively who has legitimate power to affect change on whatever scale you are seeking. We much prefer to sit in our car drinking from our plastic water bottle complaining about pollution. This is also why I was utterly unsurprised by some of the stats about young America. We don’t follow politics because it is bigger than we are. We don’t care who our mayor, governor or senator is because they don’t really represent the individual. And we don’t vote because our vote doesn’t matter. So we walk around wearing our blinders that lead us to believe our ship is sinking but there is nothing we can do about it with just one bucket.

Blinders also keep us focused on quantity not quality. In class we talked about how many more things there are to do in our busy lives. Someone even mentioned that we do things poorly so that we can do more things. That sounds terrible to hear but it is very true. I just have to think about the last time I threw my shirt on the chair in my room because I couldn’t spare 30 seconds to hang it up…I had to check my email, my facebook, do my homework, exercise and eat dinner! As a nation, we are in to progress. But we struggle with the idea of progress for the sake of progress. A great example in my mind is the Apple IPad. This is an electronic device that practically functions as a computer but without the storage space and more focused on entertainment. Not even a year after this much hailed bit of technology was launched, a second model came out. What was wrong with the first? I bet most customers hadn’t even figured out how to use all the features on the first one. What’s wrong with a two-slice toaster? Nothing, but let’s make a 12-slice toaster anyways! It seems that America’s motto is: When everything is running smoothly, let’s try to make it hover above the surface instead (just to see if we can). Something I read on the page 4 summary really struck a cord with me, especially in regards to this push for progress and quantity over quality mentality. “And, the results of wrong solutions will be larger and possibly more lethal.” That is a scary thought. In the movie FOOD Inc it talks about the mass production of ground beef. It makes me ill just thinking about that segment. As a nation we want lots of meat and we want it cheap, so we mass produce it. In our hurry for quantity we leave quality by the wayside and end up with poisonous beef. And then with our blinders of progress on, instead of asking why the meat is making us sick, we ask what we can do to kill the germs. So we end up with beef that has been treated and zapped so much that it is no longer a meat appropriate color so we add dye by the bucket loads (because hey, we have SO MUCH meat!). What happened to feeding and caring for Bessy until you thoughtfully slaughtered her for high quality meat? I guess Bessy doesn’t deserve that kind of quality- I guess Americans don’t deserve that kind of quality either. At least that is the message mass production sends. The curly light bulbs are very similar. We have more light for longer but someday we might have to face mercury poisoning or send it all to space and watch the solar system disintegrate. My hope is that catastrophe doesn’t strike while we wear these blinders; that when we make things hover because we can, we don’t blow ourselves up in the process.

Finally, these damn (sorry but I think damn it appropriate) blinders that we wear keep us providing for a family we are neglecting. As a society we have a collective mindset that having a lot means we are happy and healthy and gosh darn it, people will like us. So we work ourselves to the bone to get money to spend. I know many parents that say they want their children to be better off than they were. But sadly that only seems to translate to having more money and more stuff. It is out of love that we want to provide but with these blinders on we forget what, or who, we are providing for. So many families have more TVs than members, a number of shoes to match their age, and eat whatever food is hip, in, convenient, or just plain tasty; but they talk to each other- actually talk- less than 15 minutes a day. It is no mystery to me why marriage rates are declining. That handout didn’t shock me. But I do wonder why people are up in arms wondering what’s wrong with kids these days. Offspring are a direct result of their raising. So you ask why kids rely on so much stuff and why they are rude and ignorant of life. Well, open your eyes- you bought them that, you taught them that or you didn’t teach them that. And maybe even worse, because you didn’t, someone else did. In our good-intentioned blindness, we have done away with the family unit. And in doing away with the family unit we have eradicated the power and pleasure it once brought.

I know this all sounds very cynical, and maybe it is. But, who are we today, you ask? We are not as dark and cold as I paint it. I spin it that way as a warning. We as a people, as a culture, are good. We are loving, hardworking and passionate. But we are wearing blinders. And if we can’t manage to remove them, open our eyes and recapture what life is all about, it will be very simple to label America. That label will be loser- because we will have lost what we are trying so hard to live for.

Eng&101 Free Writing

Is it appropriate to talk to strangers in the public restroom? I think this question is open to interpretation. There are times when it might be considered okay. Most people would see that question and, like my neighbor across from me, regard it as creepy. It seems like the easy answer is no. No, it is never appropriate to talk to strangers in the public restroom. I will admit however, that I have done it. I talk to friends and family all the time in the bathroom- weird? Well maybe not weird for family but talking to friends in the bathroom- so weird. Not for me. Not on Reach where you live in such close quarters that you quickly become family to people who were complete strangers. But this isn't even really getting to the heart of the situation. The heart of the situation asks about strangers. I still think that there are times when it is appropriate - well at least times when it is not completely inappropriate. Especially for women- I mean come on- we talk constantly. We go to the bathroom in groups. There are couches in many ladies rooms for crying out loud! Are we supposed to sit there together silently. Sorry, back to the whole stranger issue. So maybe you can talk to a stranger in a public restroom at certain times. What's a good time? When you are washing your hands, drying your hands or making sure your face is on straight. Can we all except that? What about when a restroom is crowded? Is it okay to talk to another restroom goer (haha goer- bathroom-potty- haha) while waiting in line? Sure, I think. Just watch your content. Nobody wants to hear in depth about just how badly you need to go. And nobody wants description on urine color or scent. And certainly nobody cares if you have a killer bladder infection. I have also decided that making verbal notes on smells or sounds while in a public restroom should be frowned upon. Same thing goes for laughing or snickering too. Okay, so we have established that talking to strangers can be okay sometimes and about certain things. Now I have a story I would like to share. The story that sparked this whole question. Yesterday I wore no shoes all day. It was in support of TOMS One Day Without Shoes campaign promoting awareness of kids in foreign countries without the luxury of even a single pair of shoes. It was pretty cool overall. I felt blessed to be a part of it. It hurt a little, was very cold, and a little gross when I had to go into the bathroom to do my duty. (haha duty sounds like...oh never mind) Anyways, there were two other girls in the restroom. One of them was from my speech class. I do not know her name and all I remember of her is that she likes to party and can't make guacamole in 3-5 minutes like she apparently thought she could. All this I learned in a 5+ minute speech minutes before. So my point is that I would consider her a stranger. Maybe even more strange than some because I don't really want to get to know her- the party thing I can handle but not if you can't whip me up some guac in an acceptable time frame. Sorry- back on track. I enter my stall to do my thing. Then I hear: "You should be my speech tutor." (tutor...tooter sheesh what am I a 7 year old boy?) Well, since I am in her speech class and that other lady presumably isn't, I figure she must be talking to me. I hope I illustrated in my previous ranting that when one party is in the stall, talking to strangers is not appropriate. Major fopaux- or to use a term she would get "party foul!" But me being the wonderfully sweet and kind and giving and caring and self-conscious person I am, I feel horribly obligated to answer. I say something to the effect of just keep practicing and checking your time. I thought that was a good concise answer to give that would allow me to get back to my silent stall job. Silence. It worked. Crap! (...crap...too easy) Next thing I know I hear: " I do have one question for you- why are you not wearing shoes?" Good question, bad timing. You see, by this point the guac-failure girl is done washing her hands, drying her hands and even checking her face- if she does that sort of thing. And now she is simply standing directly outside my stall door waiting for an answer. There is no eloquent way out. So I take a deep annoyed breath and give her the abridged version of the TOMS mission. And because God really does love me, that was enough. "Cool, " she replied and left the bathroom. Cool? All that awkwardness for cool. I think TOMS should give me a medal for that -interrupting my mission to share theirs...I guess I can sacrifice for the greater good. But I have left out the real hero of this story. That third lady. I think we could all learn a lesson from that third lady, who through it all stayed quiet in her stall, observing the unspoken rules of the public restroom. Here's to you silent stall women! If I happen to meet you again I might even thank you for the example you set- let's just hope I remember to wait until the appropriate time.

Random thoughts

What is wrong with me that I can be totally intrigued by a show staring an ego-maniac like sister wives but almost totally appalled by one that delves into the life of a woman who sleeps with her blow dryer and another who eats toilet paper. (I say almost totally appalled because I did leave the TV on long enough to hear each of their opening sob stories.) I crack myself up. I tell these jokes or make these comments that no one gets but when I read or think back on them I feel so proud. I would like to think that I am just highly intelligent and not many people can think with such depth and implied meaning. But that sentence also cracks me up because... yeah right! Mostly I think I crack myself up because I am a weirdo who spent too much time alone as a kid. I had to find myself entertaining or I was going to face death by boredom. Same train station, different track- Why do I find sarcasm so funny? Is is wrong that I can have entire conversations without saying one thing about how I truly feel about a subject. Furthermore, is is wrong that I can tell someone how I truly feel about a subject by expressing the opposite in great depth? Again, I like to think that that is a show of skill not one that proves I lack a human heart. Can you make a tree grow into the shape of a heart? I had time to think about that question today as I sat at a stop light on my way to school. It was a long thought too...why the tree limb I saw was shaped like it was...if the people who lived there sat on it...I would sit on it if it was my tree...I would take pictures on it if it were my tree...tree limbs are cool...can you shape a tree like a heart...I would definitely take pictures in that tree...would it break the mold as it grew because trees are so strong...what if you used steel...or that stuff that Wolverine has infused in his system...I bet I could get lots of people to pay me to take pictures in my heart shaped tree...a lovers tree...business idea...the car in front of me is moving. I'm not sure if that was the longest red light in the world or if I set some kind of record for the most complete thoughts in such a short time frame. I have to go to class soon. I am sure glad the library gives us students unlimited Internet access so that between classes I can work on homework, practice a speech, study for my Spanish quiz- wait who am I fooling, I didn't do any of those things. Instead I checked my email- more private notes from "Hot Single Mama" and news on the latest implants. Then I checked facebook where I saw someone liked one of my comments proving that at least one other person has a brain that can function as well as mine. Then I wrote this. And I believe this goes to show that going to college is very important.

ENG&101 Think Tank

I sat in my English class this morning and I missed something- here me out. I missed high school. It is a long thought and not nearly as judgmental of others as it may sound so that is why I say here me out. In high school I was on the accelerated track for many classes. They were more challenging- much less boring- and they were with kids I had known for years and trusted. So I sat there and missed high school and thought that besides a few required classes, I could take more challenging classes. I could search out the teachers who are more difficult or the subject matter that is more intense and then I wouldn't be so bored. But then I got scared. I thought about being in a hard class with a bunch of strangers and feeling overwhelmed and scared and doomed. In high school I trusted that my friends were feeling the same as they sat in the harder classes. I knew if we did group work we all cared about the grade. Stepping up academically was stepping up with a group- a family you trusted and had little reason to fear failure. Okay, so it is not the people. Although I did have pretty awesome high school classmates and friends, but I am sure there are great people at YVCC too. It is all in my head really. It's also probably all excuses. But before I go on and berate myself I will admit that many of the classes for the subjects I am interested in are in fact very easy and therefore kind of boring. So back to me and my nasty human nature that I should want to battle more violently... I don't want to be bored in class but I don't want to take a class that I could fail and by fail I mean get a B. I don't want to live under my potential but I want to ensure that I excel. I want the challenge but I don't want the possible pain. I could be a Doctor but I don't want to go to school for 8 years. Okay so the Doctor thing is a stretch- it's more of an illustration than truth. I would hate being a Doctor because I don't like needles and germs and people in pain. BUT... Sometimes I just stop and think about potential and then I feel this agonizing fear that I have never truly reached it and may never truly reach it because I desire simplicity and peace at the same time. Can I be simply the best at something? Can I have peace while fighting to reach top? What separates people with dreams from people who are living those dreams? What if you are living some...some that take less talent and hard work? Does that make you less of a true liver of life? If you think you can does that mean you should? If you say you don't regret the past because you are happy with who you are now does that mean it was okay not to push yourself to be the best you could? I don't really study. I don't really have to. But what if I did? I don't really try to learn how to be a better writer. I like most of what I write and people say they enjoy it. But what if I did? I don't try to train for a marathon because I am proud enough of the 5K I can run. But what if I did? What if I did all the things that don't interest me in the interest of being the best me- what the heck kind of life would that be? I can't do it all. I can't be a best selling author, a marathon icon, a doctor or scientist, the best mother in the world, a 5 star chef, an inventor, and a million dollar event planner all in one. I can't be the best at everything I am good at- so how do I still be the best me? Love matters- loving to my greatest ability is key I know. But after that? Where do peace and unrest fit into the rigors of being the best at any given thing? What do I do with these feelings in the face of living for today and working with what God is placing in front of me? Wow that is a lot of questions and a whole lot of woe-is-me-whiny-ramblings. But it feels good to write.

Oops I did it again...

Why is it always so hard for me to write when I am supposed to. When I say, "write everyday," I never do. I can't even manage to write in this once a week. I just really hate pressure. Pressure to perform or be something or someone. When I played basketball, I remember my coach getting so mad at me because I would try to get rid of the ball as soon as I got it. The pressure was just too much when it was in my hands. And in soccer, I was a wreck until the other team scored the first goal- then the pressure was off. But life is full of pressure so I should probably just grow up and deal with it.
So I drove to Othello today to visit an awesome friend and it was a great time to think. A little over 3 hours of desolate road. I thought about lots of stuff but one of the random things was this...it would be really easy to be crazy. All you have to do to go crazy is give in. Just give in when you feel worthless. When you have those little thoughts that seem crazy, enter in and let them wash over you. Never use logic. Don't believe rational thinking. Also- have zero faith. Zero faith in yourself. Zero faith in God. Zero faith in others.
Now that I think about it- that sounds kind of hard. Nasty feelings take a lot of nasty energy.
Weird.