Dream on.

So I think in order to keep my pledge, it is time that I write a new entry.

I'm sitting here trying to think of what to say and nothing is coming. It's not for lack of thoughts, on the contrary it's because there are far too many. You know that feeling that makes you grab at the sides of your head in an effort to keep it from exploding? -yeah I'm there. At this point I really rather go to sleep and shut it all off than sort it all out. It's not all bad either. I mean some of the thoughts are hard to have and some are sobering. Some are sad and some are inspiring. Some are attached to anger and some to determination. All this at the same time. That is the beauty and curse of being a women. - Not the only beautiful curse either- how about emotions? Wonderful, horrible, and distracting emotions.

I have been so distracted lately. Living in the shadow of nothing- yet pure possibility. It's an undefined dream and it steals my attention whenever it can. I'm filled with joy and then despair. Peace and then doubt. Faith and then fear. I'm a woman and I can change my mind and my heart and my hair on a whim and without knowing why either. What I really want is focus- but focus is hard work. I want to do what's right and good regardless of the fleeting and possible effect it may have on my invisible dream. I want to work towards the me in the dream regardless of the unknowns.

"Why not now? Why not here?"

I don't mean to, but I'm finding that I think when I have the life I dream of I will be the person I dream of as well. "Then I will be nicer. Then I will be more giving. Then I will complain less. Then I won't care what stupid show is on TV and change my schedule around to fit it." Yeah, I'm pretty much perfect in the future- you just wait and see. All I need is a husband and some kids and everything will fall into place. Isn't that how it works? Don't you go into crazy-demanding situations and just find the ability to handle it all with grace? What? You mean you have to have some of those skills beforehand? You're telling me that I have to learn how to do that? I have to practice now what I want to be easy for me later? Geez.

All this thought of hard work is making me tired. And I have a long day of practicing to be perfect ahead of me.

Sweet Dreams.