I could describe the feeling so many ways...
Like you're going too fast on a merry-go-round. Everything is spinning past and you just have to hold on. But your palms are sweaty, you can't feel your fingers, you're a little bit nauseous and you wonder for just a second if letting go is so bad. If flying off this out of control ride and landing in the field far off is really so bad.
Like you're running a race but never getting closer to the finish. You just want to catch your breath and stop that constant stitch in your side. You're moving but your feet are numb. You just want to stop for a minute- hunch over or lay on the ground and heave until the pain goes away- but you know you'll never start again.
Like fighting sleep in a moving car. The motion, the hum, the mesmerizing lines, the heat blowing on your face, the heavy eyelids, and the lazy-swaying thoughts. Everything inside you wants to give in. Your own body is revolting against you. All you have is the will- the will to keep open your eyes. But you know the will is weak and the ride is long.
Like swimming in the ocean with the current pushing you back. Moving your arms and kicking your feet and fighting, fighting, fighting for forward motion. But your muscles just grow weak and your body just gets cold. You're veins get full of lead and you almost want to sink.
Breaking down is very easy. So is letting go, and laying down, giving in, and going under.
But going under is to drown. Giving in means you crash. Laying down is giving up. Letting go is shattering. And breaking down is one step closer to losing your mind.
Sometimes I want to lose my mind. I want to give up, drown, crash and shatter- all at once. And I can only describe that feeling one way- like my heart is about to burst.
(insert here a whole list of why. an overflowing basket of reasons for pain. show a world in need and one small silhouette of a person trying to handle it all. add self-centered shame and guilt and pity. words words words. blah blah blah. it matters little why.)
But somehow, I close my eyes and breath through the bursting. I keep moving...my eyes open. I keep running towards the finish...holding on tight. And when I feel like breaking down, somewhere in my mind I find it's not worth losing it after all.
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