On a cool, sunny day...

I was walking alone with my head up. Thinking undefined thoughts and taking in the small college campus around me. That is when it hit me. I- here and now- have so much of what I have always wanted. In both dreams and goals, I am there, in the midst of living it out and achieving.

As a little girl, I saw pictures in my mind or with my real eyes through "grown-ups'" lives around me, of what life should be like someday. Filled with lovely images of beautiful friends, a family connected, activities of great enjoyment, and yes, even nice things to own. And beyond the pictures, I felt- I deeply, intimately felt how all that should feel. Peace would abound daily. Joy and contentment. A sense of purpose when I wake and accomplishment when I lay to rest. Feeling stretched but having it all together. Gratitude...so much gratitude filling me up. And above all love. Loving in great freedom and freedom in being loved greatly.

I can't forget the list as well- the road map of lines and check marks. Things to have and do to measure success and movement and growth. I made those goals based on dreams for years on end- updating and adding.

Well guess what ladies and gentleman- I have arrived. As I walked on that campus- on my campus-at my college- in my life- I mentally checked off so much of that list. I felt so many of those feelings and I saw in my minds eye so many of those pictures completed with me at the center of it all.

As I walked, I smiled. I smiled a big-genuine smile with my whole face and with my whole heart. But only for a moment. Then it was stolen by that thieving feeling of shame. Why couldn't I see this more often? Why last week was I so angry? Why a few days ago was I so blue? Why yesterday did I complain and whine? Why last night did I feel sorry for myself? Why?

Maybe because I am not there. Yes, I have arrived- I have arrived here (and indeed it seemed to take longer than anticipated to reach it). Here is now. There is where I am getting to. And there, has a road paved by anticipation and hope- and a bit of apprehension.

I don't think we as human beings (I know for sure I don't) deal well with this idea of a having and a longing that coexist. We think they can't dwell under the same roof or even the same neighborhood. We are either in the country thankful for what we have or in the city longing for more. -Please don't read me wrong, that is not a commentary on people who live in either location, just strong imagery that the conflicting ideas provoke.- But even in the country there are plans to build a new barn or add onto the house. And in the city, the faithful pup or the worn-in couch. Not every moment needs an update, not everyday is a climb. Some days you just have to take in the scenery, smell the roses and feel the rain on your skin. Gratitude and enjoyment do not go against progress, they make progress worth working towards. We are a people set against an infinite horizon and we are always on a journey. But we have got to realize that it is a journey of great color and life. Sometimes we -I- have to realize that these are the days I used to dream of- these are the mountains I wanted to climb.

Peace- to all of us!

College Kid

Me: "Well, I'm starting college soon."

Them: "Oh, really? What do you plan to go into?"

Me: "......umm....."

Maybe going to college was a bad idea. I loathe that question. I never know how to answer it. Do they want the real answer? "I plan to go into college and try to do something that I don't hate and that is somehow worth a darn to society as a whole." Not really the answer people are looking for I don't think. So I try to be nice and give a grown-up and coherent answer, but it always changes and I am never satisfied. And then there are the inevitable follow-ups, those are even more difficult for me to handle.



But yesterday someone at the college asked the question, listened to me give my ramble of an answer, and then shocked me with his follow-up. I said something about English and communications and that I wanted to write a book---



Let's pause here for a second. Don't ever say something like, "I want to write a book" to a stranger unless you are: famous, rich, or want to lose all credibility as a normal human being. Normal people apparently don't just write a book. Normal people also don't make or act in movies, travel the world, or run for political office. Apparently normal people are just supposed to have a vague desire to do these things, spend a few year's time on and off striving toward that goal (when you're young or having a mid-life crisis), and then talk about your unfulfilled dream when you are old and unable to do anything about it. Or at least that is the general idea I get from others---



So anyways, I ignorantly told the stranger that I wanted to write a book. He was kind enough in response I suppose- I mean he didn't laugh at me. He just smiled and said, "Who doesn't?" But then he gave me some advice. He told me to get to know the good teachers and to start a blog. So here I am, blogging. I've blogged before-quite unsuccessfully. I usually do 3 or 4 posts then give up, so I am going to make a vow- here and now- with this blog.

I, Alaina, vow to:

-Write at least once a week

-Not quit after 3 or 4 blogs (I'll wait for 5 or 6)

-Not be too hard on myself about:

1. 
   
   Blog-worthy material


2. 
   
   Being deep enough or too deep


3. 
   
   Poor grammar


4. 
   
   The number or quality of comments on my blog

-Not take myself too seriously

-Overcome the little part of me that was offended because I forgot that normal people don't write books

-And remember that I have also been told that I'm not normal :)





Peace out!